The Executive Wanted to Make Me Rich…

… and I blew it. Dammit!

This is the first time I actually decided to respond to one of these asshats. Not my best work, really, but not a bad start. This is pretty old — it dates back to August 2006.

[19:39] executive_1001: hello
[19:40] executive_1001: ok
[19:40] executive_1001: dear what are you doing
[19:41] executive_1001: how are you thier
[19:42] Me: who are you?
[19:42] executive_1001: love to here from you
[19:42] executive_1001: i saw your profile
[19:43] Me: I’m not looking to meet new people. but thanks.
[19:43] executive_1001: i am charles soludo
[19:43] executive_1001: central bank governor
[19:43] executive_1001: i have an information i whant to send o you
[19:44] executive_1001: dear
[19:44] Me: what information?
[19:45] executive_1001: i will like to ask you a qustion
[19:46] Me: ok. well ask.
[19:47] executive_1001: why are you so nice to me
[19:47] Me: Am I nice?
[19:47] executive_1001: you sound lovely
[19:47] Me: I’m a mute.
[19:48] executive_1001: realy
[19:48] Me: yes. really. I was born without a voicebox.
[19:48] executive_1001: why do you call your self mute
[19:48] executive_1001: dear
[19:49] Me: because I can’t talk, sweetiepoo
[19:49] executive_1001: ok
[19:49] executive_1001: dea can i see you
[19:50] Me: I don’t know. Can you?
[19:50] executive_1001: do you have a cam
[19:50] Me: Do you have a clue?
[19:51] executive_1001: no
[19:51] executive_1001: do not worry
[19:51] executive_1001: ok
[19:51] Me: I’m not worried. why would I worry?
[19:51] executive_1001: what do you for living
[19:51] Me: beekeeping.
[19:52] executive_1001: lovely
[19:52] executive_1001: can i have your email so that i can give you the information
[19:52] Me: no
[19:53] executive_1001: why
[19:53] executive_1001: dear
[19:53] Me: because
[19:53] Me: darling
[19:53] Me: if your information is as boring as you are I might die
[19:54] executive_1001: is a business proposal
[19:54] Me: about bees?
[19:54] executive_1001: no fund
[19:54] executive_1001: in our bank
[19:55] executive_1001: i am a central bank governor
[19:55] Me: no interest. I live, eat, sleep and dream bees. Bees are my life. I love bees.
[19:55] executive_1001: here in nigeria
[19:55] Me: ok. well, I’m bored to tears now.
[19:55] Me: bye
[19:55] executive_1001: let me give you the solid information
[19:56] executive_1001: if you see it you will happy
[19:56] Me: I’m already happy
[19:56] Me: happy with my bees
[19:56] executive_1001: i no
[19:56] Me: no, you don’t know.
[19:56] Me: if you knew my deep love for bees, you’d never try to temp me with the evilness of money
[19:57] executive_1001: ok can give you the information here
[19:58] executive_1001: CENTRAL BANK OF Nigeria FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS From the Desk Of: Prof. Charles C.Soludo Executive Governor (CBN) C102_SOLUDO@YAHOO.COM CORPORATE OFFICE:GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS PLEASE I WANT YOU TO BE SINGLE MINDED AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIER ARE SOMY CRIMINAL OUT THEIR THAT DON’T HAVE A JOB LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY THEY WILL STILL FROM:OK,,,, ATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR. CENTRAL BANK OF Nigeria FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS From the Desk Of: Prof. Charles C.Soludo Executive Governor (CBN) C102_SOLUDO@YAHOO.COM CORPORATE OFFICE:GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS PLEASE I WANT YOU TO BE SINGLE MINDED AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIER ARE SO
[19:58] executive_1001: I AM PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO, THE GOVERNOR CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN). I AND THE CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER (CSO) OF OUR BANK, HAVE ARRANGED WITH AN OFFICER IN THE COMPUTER SECTION, ENGINEER, ISSA BELLO, TO BRING PART OF YOUR TOTAL CONTRACT SUM AMOUNTING TO US$60M (SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS ONLY). WHY WE DID THIS IS BECAUSE ACCORDING TO INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE BANKS COMPUTER, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG TIME TO RECEIVE YOUR CONTRACT PAYMENT WITHOUT SUCCESS. AS WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MATE
[19:58] Me: oh for the love of God. What is this stupid shit you are blabbering on and on about?
[19:59] executive_1001: AS WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MATE ALL THE STATUTORY REQUIREMENTS OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) IN RESPECT OF YOUR PAYMENT, YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT OF INTEREST GROUPS. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR PAYMENT AS SOME WERE PURPORTEDLY ACTING AS YOUR SISTER COMPANY AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE MERELY DOING PAPER WORKS WITH YOU AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU RECEIVE FAX AND PHONE MESSAGES FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN NIGERIA EVERYDAY
[19:59] executive_1001: MORE SO, WE FOUND OUT THAT SOME OF THE OFFICIALS OF THE PARASTATALS HAVE BEEN EXTORTING A LOT OF MONEY FROM YOU WITH THE PRETEXT OF HELPING YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY BUT ALL IS TO NO AVAIL. I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MAY LAST FOR YEARS YET NOTHING WILL HAPPEN, IF YOU DO NOT DO AWAY WITH THOSE OFFICERS THAT YOU CALL YOUR PARTNERS, AND FOR SECURITY REASONS DO NOT TELL ANYBODY UNTIL YOU RECEIVE CASH AT YOUR DOORSTEP.
[19:59] executive_1001: NOW THE MONEY IS IN TWO SECURITY PROOF BOXES WEIGHING 98KG EACH, THAT IS 196KG FOR THE TWO BOXES.YESTERDAY WE WENT TO FOUR COURIER COMPANIES TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS ON HOW TO SHIP THE TWO BOXES BY COURIER TO YOU. D.H.L., E.M.S., FEDEX., UPS. ALL COURIER COMPANIES IN NIGERIA WANTS TO OPEN THE BOXES FOR INSPECTION BEFORE SHIPMENT. THIS IS SOMETHING WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE .
[19:59] executive_1001: WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE . WE TOLD THE COURIER COMPANIES THAT THE BOXES CONTAINED FILM MATERIALS AND WHEN OPEN WILL CAUSE DAMAGE TO THE MATERIALS (SPOIL). WE DID NOT DECLARE MONEY BECAUSE COURIER SERVICES DO NOT CARRY PHYSICAL CASH. I WILL SEND TO YOU THE KEYS TO OPEN THE BOXES BOTH THE OUTER AND INNER SECURITY CODE LOCK THROUGH ANOTHER COURIER COMPANY, THIS IS TO AVOID ANY INSPECTION IN ANY OF TRANSIT AIRPORT.A DIPLOMAT FRIEND OF MINE DISCLOSED
[20:00] executive_1001: TO ME THAT THERE IS A COURIER COMPANY THAT USE TO SEND DIPLOMATIC MATERIALS AND INFORMATION FROM ONE COUNTRY TO ANOTHER. THE COURIER COMPANY HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY AND THEY ARE NOT CHECKED BY ANY CUSTOMS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. THE NAME OF THE COMPANY IS (NOBLE DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICES) .
[20:00] executive_1001: I WILL MEET THEM AS SOON AS I HAVE YOUR GO AHEAD ORDER. THE DIPLOMAT WILL HELP ME SECURE THE VITAL PAPERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEM. WE HAVE CONCLUDED THAT YOU MUST COMPENSATE US WHEN THE TRANSACTION IS CONCLUDED. TO THIS EFFECT, YOU WILL SEND TO US A PROMISSORY NOTE ALONG WITH YOUR PRIVATE ADDRESS AS TO WHERE YOU WILL RECEIVE THE BOXES IN A SAFE CONDITION. PLEASE MAINTAIN TOP SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF EYEBROW IF DISCOVERED THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU. (my bold — see my reference later)
[20:00] executive_1001: PLEASE MAINTAIN TOP SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF EYEBROW IF DISCOVERED THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU. DO NOT TELL ANY BODY ABOUT THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR MONEY. I WANT TO HELP YOU BECAUSE SOMETHING IN ME TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE A HONEST PERSON.
[20:01] executive_1001: THIS IS THE BEGENING OF SUCCESS, AND I ALSO LEARN THAT WHEN ONE TAKE AN ACTION IN THE DIRECTION OF IS GOALS HE MEET SUCCESS IN COMMON HOURS,,,,,,,,,,SO LET US DO THIS PROJECT WITH LOVE AND FAITH.
[20:01] executive_1001: THE PROBLEM NOW IS THAT CAN YOU HANDLE THIS LOVELY PROJECT THAT WANT TO TAKE PLACE Your urgent answer is needed.
[20:01] executive_1001: Yours In Service PROF. CHARLES C.SOLUDO. EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA(CBN NOTE;THIS IS THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CODE CBN/2134ABZ)Remember to give this code any time you call me because of impersonation. and do call me as soon as you get this message.
[20:02] executive_1001: dear i whant us to do this proposal with trust
[20:02] Me: hang on a minute. I have to go feed my dogs and pigs.
[20:02] executive_1001: ok
[20:02] executive_1001: where are you now
[20:03] Me: I took my blackberry out to the pig pen
[20:03] executive_1001: ok
[20:03] executive_1001: why do love animals
[20:03] executive_1001: dear
[20:03] Me: they give me eyebrow
[20:04] executive_1001: ok
[20:04] executive_1001: can i trust you
[20:04] executive_1001: in this proposal
[20:04] Me: hang on the bees got out!
[20:04] executive_1001: ok
[20:04] Me: ouch!
[20:05] Me: I got stung on my eyebrow
[20:06] executive_1001: sorry
[20:06] Me: it hurt and then I tripped over a pig
[20:06] executive_1001: what about the proposal
[20:06] Me: what was the proposal again? can you repeat it?
[20:06] executive_1001: pleace i want you to take acction in this proposal that want to take
[20:06] Me: ok. yeah.
[20:06] Me: sure
[20:06] executive_1001: i have sent it to you
[20:06] Me: sent it where?
[20:07] executive_1001: ok
[20:07] executive_1001: can i have your email address so that i can send it now
[20:07] executive_1001: dear
[20:07] Me: no
[20:07] executive_1001: why
[20:07] Me: because my email is broken
[20:08] executive_1001: what happen
[20:08] Me: it tripped over a pig
[20:08] executive_1001: ok
[20:08] executive_1001: i have send you the information
[20:08] executive_1001: didn’t you see it
[20:09] Me: wait a minute there are bees all over my head!
[20:09] *** executive_1001 has been ignored.
Session Close (executive_1001): Thu Aug 03 20:09:40 2006