Ohnoz!!! It seems as thought I’ve gone and messed with the wrong Nigerian Scammer (don’t let the reference to being in the UK fool you – heh). I was just doing my thing and being a smart ass and now I have to spend my days wondering when the FBI is going to show up at my door and arrest me. Of all the dumb luck…

This chat took place April 18, 2008… Gonna run and hide now…

[21:39] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Hello i am Lauren Dickson form england .We are looking for Representatives in the United States who will work as a part-time worker,and we are willing to pay you $300 – $600 per week (depending on how fast you work) So if you wish to know what the job consist do reply me. Thanks
[21:40] ME:: wow. Awesome. I’m always snorting coke so I can work REALLY fast.
[21:41] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Do u want to know what the job consist now ?
[21:41] ME:: oh, shit yeah! Lay it on me!
[21:42] ME:: brb – my dealer’s at the door
[21:42] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Ok
[21:42] ME:: ok. thanks for waiting. Got my fix. So what’s the 411?
[21:42] *** lauren_dickson_boh2000 has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[21:43] *** You have denied access to lauren_dickson_boh2000.
[21:43] ME:: why do I have to add you? Tell me what the job is first.
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: what do u mean 411 ?
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: becoz i think u might be long
[21:43] ME:: the low-down, the skinny, the story, the news, the info
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: that why
[21:43] ME:: I’m not long. I’m really quite short
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: since u said that u will brb
[21:43] ME:: 5′2″ to be exact
[21:43] ME:: I’m back
[21:44] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Well we are located at uk 14 Penryn Avenue St Helens Merseyside WA11 9EX, United Kingdom.We are an orphanage home.We have people and organisation who want to donate to our orphanage home ( Bottomley Home Orphanage )and the donation are bein made out to us in check …
[21:45] ME:: so you need me to secure you some orphans?
[21:45] lauren_dickson_boh2000: The check will be mail out to ur destinition,if u know that u are willing to work with us as our company Rep,so all u gotta do is for u to reciecve the check …
[21:45] ME:: wow! That sounds so easy!
[21:45] ME:: and so legit!
[21:45] ME:: cool
[21:45] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Then you cash the check, and take 20% of the money and send the balance to us via western union money transfer with eas..
[21:45] ME:: it just keeps getting better and better!
[21:46] lauren_dickson_boh2000: But first i got a minor question to ask u,and i beleive u are gonna respond with ease …
[21:46] ME:: ooh, I can’t wait
[21:46] ME:: I like minor questions
[21:46] lauren_dickson_boh2000: can i trust u with our company money that’s gonna be mail out to u ?
[21:47] ME:: probably not.
[21:47] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Why ???
[21:47] ME:: becaues I’m a crack head
[21:47] lauren_dickson_boh2000: So u aren’t a trust worthy some
[21:47] ME:: not really. Are you?
[21:47] lauren_dickson_boh2000: I’m a honest person
[21:48] lauren_dickson_boh2000: and i can be trusted
[21:48] ME:: No doubt
[21:48] ME:: you seem that way
[21:48] lauren_dickson_boh2000: so my compnay entrust me
[21:48] ME:: not like all the fucking Nigerians. I’m glad you’re english.
[21:48] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Well all u gotta provide to get started is :
[21:49] lauren_dickson_boh2000: 1. Your Names (Which will be on the check) 2. Your Address (Where the check would be sent) 3. Your Home and cellphone Number 4. Your Email Address
[21:49] ME:: coming right up, hotstuff.
[21:51] ME:: 1. Magdelina Hagdelina Ooomptonkawonkatonka 2. 123 Fuckoffyouidiot Street, Nowheresville, XY 12345 3. I have no phone because I sold it for crack 4. bitemyasshole@hotmail.com
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: oh…okay
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Magdelina
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Hagdelina
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Ooomp
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: tonka
[21:53] lauren_dickson_boh2000: wonkatonka
[21:53] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Fuck
[21:53] ME:: are you going to say “YOU” or just leave me in suspense
[21:53] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Fuck off you idiot street
[21:54] lauren_dickson_boh2000: No wheres ville
[21:54] lauren_dickson_boh2000: is that all ur address info
[21:54] lauren_dickson_boh2000: i got it …
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: FBI will be visiting u for wasting my time
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: and u are also mocking my company
[21:55] ME:: HAHAHAHHAHAHA
[21:55] ME:: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA
[21:55] ME:: HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA
[21:55] ME:: hahahhaha (I am laughing to mask my fear, of course)
[21:55] ME:: PLEASE call the FBI
[21:55] ME:: thanks!
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: fuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[21:55] ME:: My story was more honest than yours.
[21:55] ME:: lol
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: ass hole
[21:55] ME:: you are funny
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: i saved all our conversation
[21:56] ME:: GOOD!
[21:56] lauren_dickson_boh2000: fuck
[21:56] ME:: thanks!
[21:57] ME:: Have a great night, Toots!

This asshat caught me in a bitchy mood. Perhaps I was unfair to assume he was just a wanker looking for an audience, but it sure seemed that way to me. Either way he should have left this conversation very early on but he’s apparently a glutton for punishment, so here it is. This chat took place in January, 2008.

[22:24] davidsond65: 39M with cam
[22:24] ME:: 38F who doesn’t give a shit.
[22:25] davidsond65: nice to hear that
[22:25] davidsond65: a bit wild…
[22:26] ME:: You obviously misunderstand. I don’t give a shit that you have a cam.
[22:26] davidsond65: well thats alright
[22:26] ME:: yes, yes it is alright.
[22:26] davidsond65: i know its alright
[22:26] ME:: Go take your pecker somewhere else and wank for someone who cares.
[22:27] davidsond65: well maybe you missunderstood me..
[22:27] ME:: maybe I did.
[22:28] ME:: does it matter? I have more friends than I can count and I’m married. I have no interest in seeing a random stranger on his webcam.
[22:28] davidsond65: not too good to jump early into conclusions
[22:28] ME:: sigh
[22:28] ME:: oh, I’m sure you are just looking to make a meaningful relationship/friendship, right?
[22:28] davidsond65: well a i say thats fine and i am happy for you that u have friend that you cant count on your hands…
[22:29] ME:: you think I need my fingers to count?
[22:29] ME:: are you saying I’m retarded?
[22:29] davidsond65: hmmm…
[22:30] davidsond65: still making wrong judgements…
[22:30] ME:: oh, well, David, please do clue me in so that I might be enlightened.
[22:31] davidsond65: nevermind…lets just let it be…
[22:31] ME:: aw gee. Ok. *tearz*
[22:31] davidsond65: lol
[22:32] davidsond65: no tears hahaha
[22:32] ME:: but after such a meaningful conversation, goodbye is such sweet sorrow.
[22:32] davidsond65: thank you
[22:33] ME:: Oh, you’re welcome. You have no idea how lucky you are to have had an audience with the Great and Powerful ME:.
[22:33] davidsond65: lol
[22:34] davidsond65: i bow infront of you and beg for mercy
[22:34] ME:: oh ,for chrissakes.
[22:34] davidsond65: to the great mistress
[22:34] davidsond65: i bow
[22:34] ME:: while you’re down there, can you get my shoelace. It seems to have come untied.
[22:35] davidsond65: sure i can anything the almighty Powerful ME: tells me…
[22:36] ME:: oh, PLEASE don’t grovel. You’re even more annoying playing a submissive role.
[22:36] davidsond65: hahaha…
[22:36] ME:: Do I amuse you?
[22:37] davidsond65: well you are not like other chatters
[22:37] ME:: That’s because I’m not a chatter. You IM’d me out of the blue.
[22:37] davidsond65: ok should i be sorry that i pmed you?
[22:38] ME:: ARE you sorry?
[22:38] davidsond65: i dont mean no harm you know
[22:38] ME:: you don’t mean ANY harm, not NO harm. Bad grammar annoys the fuck out of me.
[22:39] davidsond65: i worked long hours you know, thx for correcting me
[22:39] ME:: how would I know you worked long hours?
[22:39] ME:: I don’t know you.
[22:40] ME:: You’re the one who introduced yourself bragging and proud to be a cam owner.
[22:40] davidsond65: thats right you dont know me
[22:40] davidsond65: i speak the truth
[22:40] ME:: the truth about WHAT?
[22:40] davidsond65: can i have a break pls
[22:40] davidsond65: let me roll a smoke
[22:41] ME:: you need a break?
[22:41] ME:: Here’s how you get a break from me, it’s really simple…
[22:41] davidsond65: ok
[22:41] ME:: hit the ignore button
[22:42] davidsond65: i wont do that i havnt done that
[22:42] davidsond65: i dont know how
[22:42] ME:: well, then you must be a glutton for punishment, or you’re really not too swift.
[22:42] davidsond65: you gonna punish me for that?
[22:43] ME:: you want me to punish you now? Do I look like a dominatrix to you?
[22:43] davidsond65: im not too handy with this mesanger so some features i dont know
[22:44] ME:: but you’re handy with your webcam I take it
[22:44] ME:: or maybe handy with something else while your cam is on
[22:44] davidsond65: come on
[22:44] ME:: come on, what?
[22:45] davidsond65: why you are saying that
[22:45] ME:: Do you want me to flog you or blog you?
[22:45] davidsond65: im at your mercy…
[22:45] davidsond65: you know best
[22:46] ME:: Do I know? ok, the you’re going to get your ass blogged, bend over.
[22:46] davidsond65: oh my…
[22:47] davidsond65: what will do powerfull mistress
[22:48] ME:: I don’t even understand your last question/statement? whatever it was
[22:48] davidsond65: lol
[22:48] davidsond65: hey wanna see my pic as to see how i look like?
[22:48] ME:: uhmm… let me think about it.
[22:49] ME:: no, no thanks.
[22:49] davidsond65: im like a nice guy on the pic
[22:49] ME:: but in real life you’re like what?
[22:50] davidsond65: like on the pic thats my looks in real life sweet loving person..
[22:50] davidsond65: u can see that in my eyes
[22:50] davidsond65: if u agree to see my pic
[22:50] ME:: why the fuck do I care what you look like?
[22:50] davidsond65: lol
[22:50] ME:: Seriously? Why?
[22:50] davidsond65: well even you are right
[22:51] ME:: you again make no sense.
[22:51] davidsond65: well for fucksake u can see my pic
[22:51] davidsond65: whats gonna happen if u see my pic
[22:51] ME:: why do you want me to see your pic so bad? That’s fucking bizarre.
[22:51] davidsond65: lol
[22:52] davidsond65: well i saw your pic so let it be even
[22:52] ME:: let it be even. You’re a pip
[22:52] ME:: put it in your profile and I’ll look at it. otherwise, forget about it
[22:52] davidsond65: ok i will in photo share
[22:53] ME:: I don’t do photoshare.
[22:53] davidsond65: oh my…i dont bite on the pic
[22:53] ME:: I don’t give a fuck.
[22:53] davidsond65: its ok its clean trust me
[22:53] ME:: You can upload it to imageshack and link me or put it in your profile. it’s the only way I’ll look at it
[22:54] davidsond65: ooohhh my oh my…
[22:54] davidsond65: just a sec then close the window
[22:54] ME:: what are you talking about?
[22:54] ME:: I’m not doing a photoshare with you so get it out of your mind.
[22:54] davidsond65: about the pic
[22:55] davidsond65: youre right u dont know me
[22:56] ME:: uhm, you know what — this conversation was kind of fun and blogworthy for a while there, but it’s jumped the shark so it’s time to put you on iggy and put this in my blog, okay?
[22:57] davidsond65: no need to do that…i will be on my way gotta go to work…in the real world…anyway…ciao…have a nice day or night
[22:58] *** davidsond65 has been ignored.

Awwwwwwwwwww… did he just have to go to work without getting a wank in first? I feel so bad.

The opening line was intriguing by itself, but when I saw the profile pic, I knew I had to stop and chat a while. This guy here is just very very odd. But he’s not really an asshat, and he’s certainly not a scammer. I have to make a category all of it’s own for him. Since he’s not a complete and total jerk, I’m going to partially edit his screenname. The ***’s are not part of his screen-name.  This chat took place in January 2008.

Profile pic:


[23:56] verysmallguy***: Hello: What would you do, if you found a tiny man only 5 inches tall
[23:57] ME:: ummm… try not to step on him?
[23:57] verysmallguy***: hi i’m Willie the tiny man
[23:57] ME:: Hi, I’m Eggsie the medium sized woman
[23:58] verysmallguy***: * he looksup at you* wow you looks like a giantess to me
[23:59] ME:: Do I now. Well this is a momentous day for me.
[00:00] ME:: So, little man, how do you type? Jump from key to key, or do you have a special keyboard?
[00:00] verysmallguy***: really… hey becarefull….you almost steped on me
[00:00] ME:: (sorry!)
[00:01] verysmallguy***: are you gonna pick me up?
[00:02] ME:: do you want me to?
[00:02] ME:: should I use a witty line or just my hands?
[00:03] verysmallguy***: hehe your hand…Hesteps back to see you better*
[00:03] ME:: Here comes the hand. You’re not wearing ice-skates, I hope!
[00:05] verysmallguy***: lol no. lift me so i can see you better
[00:05] ME:: going up!
[00:05] ME:: Well, hello little guy. Nice to see you face-to-face
[00:05] verysmallguy***: ouch…your nails are sharp*he dandles from your fingers*
[00:06] ME:: wooops, *scoops you back up with my other hand*
[00:07] verysmallguy***: oh my..ur a pretty giant. *he falls back in to you figers*
[00:08] ME:: Well… now that I have you here, I have no idea what to do with you. This has been interesting and all but…. are you tired? I can make you up a bed in a tissue box.
[00:09] verysmallguy***: really it sound like you are going to keep me?
[00:09] ME:: where would you go if I didn’t?
[00:10] verysmallguy***: i don’t know i’m lost in this giant land
[00:11] verysmallguy***: * he hugs her finger* i’m at your mercy
[00:12] ME:: Oh, you poor poor little guy. Are you hungry? would you like a pea? or perhaps a corn flake?
[00:13] verysmallguy***: well yes i am hungry..are you taking me to your kitchen?
[00:13] ME:: why indeed I am.
[00:13] verysmallguy***: *he wiggles in your hand*
[00:13] ME:: be careful you don’t fall down into the garbage disposal!
[00:14] verysmallguy***: oh me * looks down from her hand at counter*
[00:14] ME:: you see sometihng that interests you?
[00:14] verysmallguy***: are you gonna put me on that counter?
[00:14] ME:: Sure. *puts down*
[00:15] verysmallguy***: yes every thing is so big
[00:15] verysmallguy***: thank you * looks around your kitchen*
[00:16] verysmallguy***: * he move by a lare deep baking dish*
[00:17] ME:: so… you never said what you want to eat
[00:18] verysmallguy***: most amy thing
[00:19] verysmallguy***: * he trys to look into baking dish..but it is to high*
[00:19] ME:: why are you looking into that empty baking dish?
[00:20] verysmallguy***: oh its empty are you goint cook something in it?
[00:21] ME:: at midnight? no.
[00:21] ME:: I can heat you up some leftovers though. How about if I open the fridge and you go on in and explore…
[00:22] verysmallguy***: really…. ok…..* he moves to counter edge*
[00:23] ME:: *Plucks you up and puts you in the fridge*
[00:24] verysmallguy***: wow *stands on shelf* breeee it cold in here
[00:24] ME:: hahah! Evilly closes the fridge door leaving you in the dark and the cold. You didn’t know you were in the house of a pyschopath!!!!
[00:25] ME:: *opens door* Just kidding! haha!
[00:25] verysmallguy***: oh nooooo it dark in here
[00:25] verysmallguy***: oh my
[00:25] ME:: Here, let me take you to the jacuzzi tub.
[00:25] verysmallguy***: * he fall into bowl off cold veggie*
[00:26] ME:: see? All covered in veggies like that, you need a good bath.
[00:26] ME:: *takes you to the bathroom*
[00:26] ME:: *drops you in toilet wiht an evil grin*
[00:26] ME:: Enjoy the jacuzzi!
[00:26] ME:: FLUSH
[00:26] ME:: SIKE! Pulls you out just in the nick of time.
[00:27] verysmallguy***: oh my * looks up from bowl* yes i’m covers in oil and i’m cold
[00:27] ME:: well then, come with me, I know where to warm you up.
[00:27] verysmallguy***: oh my your scaring me
[00:27] verysmallguy***: ok
[00:28] ME:: *places you in the microwave and shuts door*
[00:28] ME:: evil face looks in at you.
[00:28] ME:: is she really going to push the buttons?
[00:28] ME:: No! Just kidding.
[00:28] ME:: Come on, you can come and play with my cat!
[00:28] verysmallguy***: oh nooooo are you gonna cook mme
[00:28] ME:: nooo — I don’t cook at midnight silly.
[00:29] ME:: Have you met Tinkerbell?
[00:29] ME:: I probably shouldn’t wake her up. she’s mean when I do that.
[00:29] ME:: what do you think… should I wake her?
[00:29] verysmallguy***: nooooo i hate cats
[00:29] ME:: ooh, ok then.
[00:29] verysmallguy***: noooooooo:(
[00:29] ME:: do you want to play chess?
[00:29] ME:: you can be the King.
[00:30] verysmallguy***: please let me out of this micro wave
[00:30] ME:: oh, ok.
[00:30] ME:: I forgot.
[00:30] ME:: heh
[00:30] ME:: I *AM* kind of nutso.
[00:30] ME:: I’d have to be. I’m talking to a 5 inch tall guy!
[00:30] ME:: ha!
[00:30] verysmallguy***: ur are a wicked woman
[00:30] ME:: You are a wise little man.
[00:31] ME:: So, are you leaving?
[00:31] verysmallguy***: why are you looking at me like that?
[00:31] ME:: because I suddenly feel a little peckish.
[00:32] verysmallguy***: oh me ..your going to eat me * wiggles in your grip*
[00:33] ME:: Opens mouth
[00:33] ME:: wider and wider
[00:33] ME:: you can see my uvula quivering
[00:34] verysmallguy***: please don’t eat me raw
[00:34] ME:: Oh, but I will. I want to feel you squirming in my gut.
[00:34] verysmallguy***: 8 he look into her open mouth*
[00:34] verysmallguy***: mmmmm
[00:35] ME:: *drops him in and the conversation ends there as my gastric juices sizzle him to nothingness*
[00:36] verysmallguy***: oh nooo..* he lips close on me*
[00:36] ME:: said the voice from the grave.

This chat ended up being really funny to me. I let about five others go today but I was feeling mean when this one struck. And he helped thing by being a total ass. At the end, when he gets fed up, he switched his font to red, italicized and underlined. It was so funny to me, I screenshotted it as proof; you can see it here. lol — I hope you’re familiar with your Led Zeppelin lyrics as you read this one.

This chat took place December 2007.

[22:15] hasana_alhassan007: HELLO
[22:15] *** Auto-response sent to hasana_alhassan007: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[22:15] hasana_alhassan007: *BUZZ*
[22:23] ME: why the fuck are you buzzing me?
[22:23] ME: are you just an asshole or do you have reading comprehension problems?
[22:23] hasana_alhassan007: OH
[22:23] hasana_alhassan007: AM AMINU
[22:24] hasana_alhassan007: FROM WEST AFRICA GHANA
[22:24] ME: shocking
[22:24] ME: really
[22:24] ME: how exotic
[22:24] hasana_alhassan007: WELL AM 35YRS OLD
[22:24] hasana_alhassan007: U?
[22:25] ME: is there some reason why I should care how old you are?
[22:25] hasana_alhassan007: YEAH
[22:25] hasana_alhassan007: AM LOOKING FOR A SOUL MATE BABY
[22:25] ME: hahahahahahahaha
[22:25] ME: hahahahahahahahahahhaa
[22:25] ME: hahahahahahhahahahaa
[22:26] ME: well, BABY, I don’t think you’re gonna find one here.
[22:26] ME: I’m a big old lesbian.
[22:26] hasana_alhassan007: OH COOL
[22:26] hasana_alhassan007: BABY
[22:26] ME: yeah, BABY
[22:26] hasana_alhassan007: WHAT IS UR NAME?
[22:27] ME: Wilhelmena Bobina Oopentakin-Walkintalkin
[22:27] hasana_alhassan007: WOW
[22:27] hasana_alhassan007: NICE NAME BABY
[22:27] hasana_alhassan007: SO HOW OLD ARE U BABY
[22:27] ME: Depends
[22:28] hasana_alhassan007: WANTS TO KNOW HOW OLD ARE U BABY
[22:28] ME: well, BABY, I was born on Leap Year day so I’ll be celebrating my 9th birthday in 2008.
[22:29] hasana_alhassan007: WOW
[22:29] hasana_alhassan007: THAT GOOD
[22:29] hasana_alhassan007: BABY
[22:30] hasana_alhassan007: WHICH DATE OF THE YEAR 2008 ARE U COMING TO CELEBRATE UR BIRTH DAY
[22:30] hasana_alhassan007: ?
[22:30] ME: Uhm, hello, Leap Year Day — does that mean nothing to you? Are you mentally challenged? That would be February 29. duh
[22:31] hasana_alhassan007: OH I SEE
[22:31] hasana_alhassan007: VERY NICE
[22:31] ME: yeah, very nice
[22:31] ME: so nice
[22:31] ME: really fucking nice
[22:31] hasana_alhassan007: WELL WHERE DO U8 COME FROM BABY
[22:31] hasana_alhassan007: ?
[22:31] ME: I come from a land of the Ice and the Snow (And with that line, my Led Zeppelin idea was hatched)
[22:32] hasana_alhassan007: OH YEA…
[22:32] hasana_alhassan007: WHAT IS THE NAME BABY
[22:32] ME: Don’t you know your geography, BABY
[22:33] hasana_alhassan007: I KNOW
[22:34] ME: well, then you know the midnight sun where the hot springs blow
[22:34] hasana_alhassan007: OH YEA..
[22:35] hasana_alhassan007: WELL CAN I SEE U ON CAM NOW BABY
[22:35] hasana_alhassan007: U LOOK VERY NICE TO ME
[22:35] ME: uhm, no. Can’t do that.
[22:35] ME: I’m naked
[22:35] hasana_alhassan007: OH
[22:36] hasana_alhassan007: GET SOME CLOTH TO COVER UR SELF AND LET ME VIEW U
[22:36] ME: Hey, hey, Ghana, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.
[22:36] hasana_alhassan007: I WANT TO SEE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN TALKING TO ME
[22:36] hasana_alhassan007: BABY
[22:37] ME: I wanna watch your honey drip — can’t keep away
[22:38] ME: Walkin in the park just the other day, BABY, what do you, what do you think I saw?
[22:39] hasana_alhassan007: WELL BABY LET ME VIEW U OR I GO
[22:39] ME: oh gee, promise?
[22:40] hasana_alhassan007: THEN LET ME SEE U NOW
[22:40] ME: no — I want to see if you’re a man of your word. No view… let me go.
[22:41] hasana_alhassan007: I DONT HAVE CAM BABY
[22:42] ME: You better open your eyes. Folk down there really dont care, really dont care, dont care, really dont which, which way the pressure lies. So Ive decided what Im gonna do now. So Im packing my bags for the misty mountains where the spirits go now, over the hills where the spirits fly, ooh, I really dont know.
[22:43] hasana_alhassan007: OK BYE
[22:43] hasana_alhassan007: IF U DONT LET ME VIEW U NOW BABY
[22:44] ME: hahah — you keep saying that.
[22:44] ME: and yet, you’re still here!

he actually leaves here but I decide to continue to annoy him – -and it works…

[22:44] ME: If it keeps on rainin, levees goin to break,
[22:45] ME: If it keeps on rainin, levees goin to break,
[22:45] ME: When the levee breaks Ill have no place to stay.
[22:47] ME: You need coolin, baby, Im not foolin,
[22:48] hasana_alhassan007: IF SO THEN LET ME SEE U
[22:48] ME: Im gonna send you back to schoolin,
[22:48] hasana_alhassan007: OR U SHOULD DISTERPING ME
[22:49] hasana_alhassan007: WHEN BABY
[22:49] ME: Wanna whole lotta love?
Wanna whole lotta love?
Wanna whole lotta love?
Wanna whole lotta love?
[22:49] hasana_alhassan007: I WILL LIKE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL
[22:49] hasana_alhassan007: BABY
[22:49] ME: Youve been coolin, BABY, Ive been droolin,
[22:49] ME: All the good times Ive been misusin,
[22:50] ME: Way, way down inside, Im gonna give you my love,
[22:50] ME: Im gonna give you every inch of my love,
[22:50] ME: Gonna give you my love.
[22:50] ME: Yeah! all right! lets go!
[22:51] ME: Did you get the invitiation to view my webcam? (of course, such a thing was never sent)
[22:51] hasana_alhassan007: NO BABY
[22:51] ME: hmmm.. let me try again
[22:51] hasana_alhassan007: INVITE ME BABY
[22:51] ME: there — did you get it?
[22:52] hasana_alhassan007: NO
[22:52] ME: This is pissing me off almost as bad at the time I spent my days with a woman unkind,
[22:52] ME: Dumb bitch smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
[22:52] hasana_alhassan007: OH
[22:52] ME: ok. I invited you again. Did it work?
[22:53] hasana_alhassan007: SO U ARE FOOLING ME BABY
[22:53] ME: You need coolin, baby, Im not foolin,
[22:54] ME: Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.
[22:54] hasana_alhassan007: OK
[22:54] hasana_alhassan007: HAVE U MARRIWED
[22:54] hasana_alhassan007: MARRIED
[22:55] ME: I was once — I will again…. Someone told me theres a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
[22:55] ME: when I meet her, I’ll marry her.
[22:56] ME: To find a queen without a king;
[22:56] ME: They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.
[22:56] ME: La la la la
[22:56] ME: Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
[22:57] hasana_alhassan007: SO U ARE A MAN TALKING TO ME
[22:57] ME: Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.
[22:57] ME: no
[22:57] ME: I’m a lesbian
[22:57] ME: I told you that already you stupid douchebag
[22:57] hasana_alhassan007: FUCK U
[22:57] hasana_alhassan007: FUCK U
[22:57] hasana_alhassan007: DAM
[22:57] hasana_alhassan007: BICTH
[22:57] ME: you are so fucking retarded. I can’t believe how funny you are.
[22:58] ME: I hope you don’t mind, but I’m putting this chat up on my blog.
[22:58] ME: actually, I hope you DO mind.
[22:59] ME: Heartbreaker, your time has come,
[22:59] ME: Cant take your evil way;
[23:00] ME: Go away,
[23:00] ME: Heartbreaker.
[23:00] ME: Heartbreaker!

I had a bit of a good time with this particular scammer. Such a good time, in fact, that I allowed a friend of mine to chat with this guy as well. He was jealous that all the scammers contacted me and never him. I have his post with this guy/girl/whatever included as well – he’s good at it – I wish more scammers would contact him.

On the ID I used for this chat, I have the name “Eggsie Klevinger” in my profile. The chat took place on Dec 3, 2007.

[12:40] barristeraireen: Hell, Eggsie??
[12:40] *** Auto-response sent to barristeraireen: I am currently away from the computer.
[12:59] Me: hell?
[13:00] barristeraireen: you are Eggsie Klevinger ???
[13:00] barristeraireen: i am mrs aireen
[13:01] barristeraireen: i got your email id direct from yahoo memeber company i was told to contact you
[13:01] barristeraireen: *BUZZ*
[13:03] Me: oh, wonderful. Yes, This is indeed Eggsie Klevinger. How may I help you?
[13:04] barristeraireen: Good
[13:04] barristeraireen: *Me*@yahoo.com
[13:04] barristeraireen: correct for more detail
[13:04] barristeraireen: we have good news for you
[13:04] Me: Good news? That’s great. I could use some good news.
[13:05] Me: What is it?
[13:05] barristeraireen: Yep
[13:05] barristeraireen: this is your email address
[13:06] Me: well, of course. You must have some really great online investigators working for you as you have been correct on all counts so far.
[13:06] barristeraireen: *BUZZ*
[13:06] barristeraireen: your email address pls
[13:06] Me: you already told me what it is and I told you are are correct.
[13:07] Me: I should warn you, I am a homicidal maniac and whever someone hits that BUZZ thing, I get the urge to murder people.
[13:07] barristeraireen: Ok
[13:07] Me: so please don’t use that any more as there is a nurse nearby who’s just askin’ for a killing if you know what I mean.
[13:07] barristeraireen: check your email box
[13:07] barristeraireen: right now and get back to me
[13:07] Me: you are a bit bossy.
[13:08] Me: I have received no email.
[13:08] Me: maybe it takes a while to get here from Nigeria, yes?
[13:08] barristeraireen: try and check
[13:09] Me: I have checked again and again I have found no email from you.
[13:10] Me: this is most unfortunate.
[13:11] Me: Perhaps I should have my financial benefactor contact you later on today. He is quite wealthy and handles all my finances for me, and for a small sexual fee, provides me with financial stability for myself and my growing family.
[13:11] barristeraireen: i c
[13:12] barristeraireen: but did you received my email right nw
[13:12] Me: no, I have recieved no emails. ßactually, not true
[13:12] barristeraireen: ok
[13:12] barristeraireen: wanna email it right here for you
[13:12] Me: that would be fine
[13:12] barristeraireen: There is an account that has remained dormant for some years now with Diamond Bank Plc valued the sum of $250.000.00 which I am the account manager. The account holder died on the 25th of July 2000 with his wife and their only two Children in an automobile accident.
[13:13] barristeraireen: I am writing you, so that we can work together to remit the money to you as the next of kin since you have the same last name with him before they get declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge Deposit was lodged. This money belongs to a foreigner and has to be claim by a foreigner; no one will ever come forward to claim it.
[13:13] barristeraireen: Our Bank has issued me a notice as the account Manager to the Deceased to provide his Next of Kin or have the fund declared as an UNCLAIMED FUND within the Next 15 official working days.
[13:13] barristeraireen: All I need is a trustworthy, faithful and honest partner to execute this transaction, since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 5 years now that I have been searching. I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin to the Deceased since you are a foreigner like him so that the proceeds of this Bank Account can be paid out in your favor
[13:13] barristeraireen: There is no risk involved and I guarantee this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will not breach the law by both parties; it is simple process that will take a very short while to process. I have all the necessary legal documents that will be used to back up any claim we are going to make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through.
[13:14] Me: Ooh, the infamous Klevinger Family Fortune!!! Yes, I would be quite happy to help you out, particularly since there is no risk to me!
[13:14] Me: However, as I reside in a mental institution, I feel it would be in everyone’s best interest if my financial benefactor handles this transaction for me.
[13:15] barristeraireen: did you read my message right npw
[13:15] Me: Will you be in the office this evening, that is to say in approximately 5 hours (as I’m sure you are in a completely different time zone)
[13:15] *** barristeraireen has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[13:16] barristeraireen: *BUZZ*
[13:16] Me: The hospital facility computers do not allow me to add friends to my yahoo list as it is against the orders of my psychiatrist. May I simply refer your screen name to my benefactor?
[13:16] barristeraireen: You will keep 50% of the total fund on final conclusion of this project, while the rest shall be for me. Your share stays with you while the rest shall be for me for investment purposes in your country.
[13:16] Me: Oh, you buzzed. Hang on, gotta go murder someone.
[13:16] barristeraireen: k
[13:16] barristeraireen: am sorry for that
[13:16] barristeraireen: i will not buzz you again
[13:17] Me: ah, sweet blood that stains my fingers, how I do love thy taste!
[13:17] Me: anyway, I would love to do business wiht you but I’m afraid I must refer you to my benefactor. You will like him, he’s quite gullible as am I.
[13:17] Me: He is the heir o the *FRED* Industries fortune.
[13:17] barristeraireen: good
[13:18] Me: will you be in your office in 5 or 6 hours so that he might contact you?
[13:18] barristeraireen: yep
[13:18] barristeraireen: i will here ok
[13:18] Me: excellent.
[13:18] Me: I will tell him to mention my name to you when he contacts you.
[13:18] barristeraireen: good
[13:18] Me: they are coming after me now for my electric shock therapy.
[13:19] barristeraireen: good
[13:19] Me: I will pass the message on to him.
[13:19] barristeraireen: good
[13:19] barristeraireen: did you received my email right now
[13:19] barristeraireen: to enable him to email me

Here I just went invisible like they orderlies just snatched me away.

Later on, I gave this scammer my friend’s yahoo id. Here is my remaining portion of the chat followed by “Fred’s” chat.

[22:09] barristeraireen: hwllo
[22:09] barristeraireen: hwllo
[22:09] Me: ah, yes. hello. Please hold.
[22:12] Me: thank you for holding. I just got through to my benefactor.
[22:12] Me: he will speak to you now.
[22:12] Me: His YIM name is *FRED*
[22:12] barristeraireen: k
[22:12] barristeraireen: k
[22:17] barristeraireen: am with him
[22:18] Me: wonderful.
[22:32] barristeraireen: can understand what he saying
[22:32] barristeraireen: saying you owes him $250,000.00
[22:33] Me: no! he said the sex would cover that!
[22:34] barristeraireen: are you ok
[22:34] Me: why do you ask?
[22:35] barristeraireen: the way both of you sound like
[22:35] Me: I don’t understand.
[22:36] Me: I, personally, am insane. that can’t be helped. You kill three people and they turn your brains to mush with electrodes and lobotomies. But he is very wealthy and takes care of me.
[22:36] barristeraireen: can understand what you and him trying to say
[22:38] barristeraireen: k

Fred’s chat:

To be continued, part deux

[21:09] barristeraireen: YIM
[21:09] barristeraireen: hello
[21:09] FRED:: howdy mate
[21:09] barristeraireen: good to have you online
[21:10] FRED:: it’s good to be had isn’t it?
[21:10] barristeraireen: i was told to contact you on behlaf of eggs
[21:11] barristeraireen: yep
[21:11] barristeraireen: about $250.000.00
[21:11] barristeraireen: that about to transfer to Eggsie Klevinger
[21:11] barristeraireen: did she informed you everythings
[21:11] FRED:: $250,000.00?? is that US or Euro?
[21:12] FRED:: cause I only deal with the dollar mate
[21:13] barristeraireen: us $
[21:14] FRED:: oh that’s bloody smashing
[21:14] barristeraireen: the account holder is my client and his no more
[21:14] barristeraireen: and Eggsie Klevinger have same name with him…
[21:14] barristeraireen: i have all document with me .. that will be change to her name
[21:14] FRED:: she does??
[21:14] FRED:: I told her that was a lucky name
[21:15] FRED:: my old dingo was named Klevinger
[21:15] barristeraireen: good
[21:15] barristeraireen: your age
[21:16] FRED:: I’m 49 but with the conversion rate it’s about 42 US years
[21:16] barristeraireen: nice
[21:16] FRED:: how old are you?
[21:17] FRED:: I need me a good solid wife
[21:17] barristeraireen: right now…. …35yrs old lady
[21:17] FRED:: she’s gotta be sturdy enough to walk the outback with me tho
[21:17] barristeraireen: i am a lawyer
[21:17] FRED:: a lawyer??
[21:17] FRED:: I hates me some lawyers
[21:18] FRED:: a lawyer ran over my dingo and killed him
[21:18] barristeraireen: ioh… why
[21:18] FRED:: he was racing his kangaroo and he fell off in the turn
[21:19] FRED:: the roo kept going and jumped the fence and landed on my dingo
[21:20] barristeraireen: k
[21:20] barristeraireen: so what going on right now
[21:20] barristeraireen: its about how is going to received the money
[21:21] FRED:: money? I don’t need any money, I got more money than most backwater south african countries
[21:21] FRED:: hell, I own a cocoa plantation over there
[21:21] barristeraireen: this is for real
[21:22] FRED:: you ever hear of Freddo Frog’s?
[21:22] barristeraireen: ic
[21:22] barristeraireen: i means how she going to received the money
[21:23] FRED:: my daddy, God rest his soul, founded them
[21:23] barristeraireen: i means how she going to received the money
[21:24] FRED:: I would guess you’re gonna send her a check, right?
[21:24] barristeraireen: no
[21:25] FRED:: well then how she going to received the money?
[21:25] barristeraireen: the money going to be transfer to her now that she have same name with the late account holder becs i was told to contact her direct from yahoo memebr company
[21:25] FRED:: ok, so just wire her the money then
[21:26] FRED:: I know she’s waiting for it
[21:26] FRED:: plus, she owes me $250,000.00
[21:26] barristeraireen: Good
[21:27] barristeraireen: i have ro change all document to her… this will enable her to start up communication online with diamond bank plc
[21:27] FRED:: she tried to buy ocean front property in Oklahoma
[21:27] barristeraireen: on how the money going to be transfer
[21:28] FRED:: so what do you need me for?
[21:29] barristeraireen: your name and account name
[21:30] FRED:: why do you need my name?
[21:32] barristeraireen: i means sorry her full name and address
[21:33] FRED:: oh okEggsie
[21:33] FRED:: Ms. Eggsie Klevinger
[21:33] barristeraireen: bank account
[21:34] FRED:: 666 N. Bellvue Way
[21:34] barristeraireen: and home address
[21:34] FRED:: Bellvue Institution, Ward 33
[21:34] FRED:: New York, NY 10110
[21:35] FRED:: she dont have no bank account
[21:35] FRED:: I pay for everything for her
[21:35] barristeraireen: oh… she have to open 1
[21:35] FRED:: they don’t let criminally insane people do that
[21:35] FRED:: the last time she went into a bank she ate the bank managers face
[21:36] FRED:: that’s why they’ve got her locked up
[21:37] barristeraireen: k
[21:37] barristeraireen: but can be change to your account and name
[21:37] FRED:: my last name isn’t the same though?
[21:38] barristeraireen: means nothing
[21:38] barristeraireen: i will change all document to your name
[21:39] FRED:: I don’t need no more money
[21:39] FRED:: $250,000.00 is nothing at all to me
[21:40] barristeraireen: k
[21:40] FRED:: I own a cocoa plantation in Ghana
[21:41] FRED:: cheap labor and they work hard
[21:41] barristeraireen: k
[21:41] FRED:: make a lot of money for me
[21:41] barristeraireen: k
[21:41] FRED:: I could probably use a good lawyer working there for me
[21:41] FRED:: do you want a job?
[21:44] barristeraireen: brb
[21:46] FRED:: well? Do you want a job or not?
[21:47] barristeraireen: go and sleep
[21:47] FRED:: it’s morning here in Sydney mate
[21:49] barristeraireen: not sure you are OK
[21:50] FRED:: why don’t you think I am mate?

I am fairly certain that had I not been too busy to really talk to this guy, he would have made it to my “scammers” list. As it stands though, I only got to live through his “butter them up with praise and flattery until you gain their trust” phase. The chat took place December 1, 2007.

The following all came as offline message to me the day previous to the chat:
[14:50] chrischudi5: hi
[14:50] chrischudi5: should i ad u in my list
[14:51] chrischudi5: *ding*
[14:51] chrischudi5: hello
[14:51] chrischudi5: *ding*
[14:53] chrischudi5: i hv add u now
[14:53] chrischudi5: good
[17:12] chrischudi5: Upgrade to the latest version of Yahoo! Messenger by visiting http://messenger.yahoo.com
[17:12] chrischudi5: yea
[17:12] chrischudi5: are u back
[18:00] chrischudi5: hi

And then, on December 1^st:
[17:02] chrischudi5: hi babe good looking
[17:02] Me: Hi, hunka hunka burnin’ love.
[17:02] chrischudi5: ok
[17:02] Me: ok?
[17:03] Me: I guess you’re busy. It’s ok. I’m busy counting my money anyway.
[17:03] chrischudi5: ok
[17:03] chrischudi5: how are u toady
[17:03] Me: wealthy and lonely. how are you?
[17:03] chrischudi5: am ok
[17:04] Me: well, that’s swell.
[17:04] chrischudi5: yes
[17:04] chrischudi5: how was ur weekend
[17:04] chrischudi5: how are going to enjoy
[17:04] Me: uhm. “was” or “is”?
[17:05] chrischudi5: as today is first day of chrismas
[17:05] Me: It is?
[17:05] chrischudi5: of december
[17:05] Me: Indeed, Mr. Calendar. You are correct.
[17:05] chrischudi5: ah ah
[17:06] chrischudi5: which state are u now
[17:06] Me: A state of happiness. What about you?
[17:07] chrischudi5: thesame
[17:07] chrischudi5: but in india country
[17:07] Me: Great! You probably have my old job. How do you like it?
[17:08] chrischudi5: ok
[17:09] chrischudi5: pls explain more to me about the job
[17:09] Me: you have it — you tell me!
[17:09] chrischudi5: no i never understand
[17:10] Me: no, you never do.
[17:10] chrischudi5: explain more pls
[17:10] Me: not in the mood
[17:10] chrischudi5: to understand
[17:10] chrischudi5: please
[17:10] Me: no, I think not. Talking to you is not only painful, it’s quite boring.
[17:11] chrischudi5: y
[17:12] Me: Because it just took you a full minute to type “y”
[17:12] chrischudi5: ooh
[17:12] chrischudi5: i can type fast than u
[17:12] chrischudi5: i mean it
[17:12] Me: i don’t think it will help
[17:12] chrischudi5: ok go on
[17:12] Me: what exactly is it you want from me.
[17:12] chrischudi5: now friend
[17:12] Me: I have too many friends.
[17:13] chrischudi5: ok
[17:13] chrischudi5: but add me to them
[17:13] Me: not on your life.
[17:13] chrischudi5: i want to be one of them
[17:13] Me: every time I add a friend, I have to give up one of my tricycles.
[17:13] chrischudi5: why
[17:13] chrischudi5: ok
[17:13] Me: and I’m running low
[17:13] chrischudi5: but plese
[17:13] chrischudi5: not for my onw
[17:13] chrischudi5: acept me
[17:14] Me: no, I don’t think you’re worth even a skateboard.
[17:14] chrischudi5: i will be happy
[17:14] chrischudi5: ooh
[17:14] Me: oh, well, your happiness IS quite important to me.
[17:14] chrischudi5: don say soo
[17:14] chrischudi5: yes
[17:14] chrischudi5: u make me laugh
[17:14] Me: no as much as you will make others laugh
[17:14] chrischudi5: this type of friend i need
[17:15] chrischudi5: yea
[17:15] chrischudi5: but pls try add me
[17:15] Me: nope
[17:15] chrischudi5: in ur list
[17:15] Me: nope
[17:15] chrischudi5: ok
[17:15] chrischudi5: now i hv more protein
[17:15] Me: WTF?
[17:16] chrischudi5: my blood hv now increase
[17:16] chrischudi5: more happiness
[17:16] Me: your happiness gave you a boner?
[17:16] chrischudi5: correct
[17:16] Me: you’re happy because I won’t add you and I think you’re boring and people are going to laugh at you?
[17:17] chrischudi5: why
[17:17] chrischudi5: people will be happy of me
[17:17] Me: because I’m going to blog this whole conversation, that’s why.
[17:17] chrischudi5: pls acept
[17:17] chrischudi5: me in ur list
[17:18] chrischudi5: as one of ur friend
[17:18] chrischudi5: india
[17:18] chrischudi5: type
[17:18] Me: no — but if you want to keep talking about your protein, go for it. you just keep typing. When you’re all done, I’ll copy/paste it for other’s viewing pleasure. Enjoy typing. bye.
[17:18] chrischudi5: oooh
[17:18] chrischudi5: sorry
[17:19] chrischudi5: why
[17:19] chrischudi5: pls come back
[17:19] chrischudi5: pls come back
[17:19] chrischudi5: have i say anything wrong to you
[17:21] chrischudi5: am happy to chat with you but u get annoyed easyly
[17:21] chrischudi5: not like that if i offend u tell me
[17:22] chrischudi5: so i will change my word
[17:33] chrischudi5: ok i hv added u in my list pls acept my name is chris
[17:33] chrischudi5: from africa base in india now
[17:33] chrischudi5: good night and byeee
[17:34] chrischudi5: take good care of urself ok
[17:34] *** chrischudi5 has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[17:34] chrischudi5: oooh good
[17:34] chrischudi5: u ar back in
[17:34] *** You have denied access to chrischudi5.
[17:35] chrischudi5: upon i pls u to acept me yet u denied my id
[17:36] chrischudi5: ok
[17:36] chrischudi5: that is life

I hate scammers. I really do. “Rose Peters” here is, unfortunately, lying. This chat took place in November 2007.

[12:52] r_peters52: hi
[12:52] *** Auto-response sent to r_peters52: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[12:52] r_peters52: u there?
[12:54] r_peters52: I am Mrs Rose Peters,I am 55years old,i am deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast which also affected my brain,from all indications my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that, according to my doctors they have advised me that i may not live for the next two months,this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage.I was brought up from a motherless baby home, was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child.My husband died in a fatal motor accident.Before his death we were true Christians.Since his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inheritted belongings and deposited all the sum of $4.8million dollars with a Security Company.
[12:54] Me: oh. too bad . well, have a nice death.
[12:55] r_peters52: Presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money for keeping it so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness or they get it confisticated.Presently, I’m with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for cancer of the lungs. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization,the poor and the motherless babies home where i come from.I want you God fearing, to also use this money to fund churches,orphanages
[12:56] Me: Oh, gee. Thanks, but dying people really scare me. You’re giving me the willies.
[12:56] r_peters52: ya
[12:57] r_peters52: so can be my next of kin?
[12:58] Me: but you’re dying. I don’t really want anything to do with you. The stink of death is already entering my computer through this IM box. Be gone, dying thing.
[12:58] r_peters52: oh
[12:59] r_peters52: u dont have to worry abt that
[12:59] r_peters52: i
[13:00] Me: did you just die while you were talking to me? That’s just great. Fucking dying people.
[13:00] r_peters52: I shall give you the contact of the Security Company.I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of my fund.
[13:00] Me: Why the fuck would I want to pretend I’m related to a dying old geezer like you?
[13:01] Me: Oh, and praise be on your non-death and all.
[13:02] r_peters52: wht are u talking abt..can u take it ?
[13:02] Me: take what?
[13:03] r_peters52: invested to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization,the poor and the motherless babie
[13:04] r_peters52: the money
[13:04] Me: I don’t want your money. I have 3.5 million in my savings account right now and you can bet your ass I’m not donating it to any babies. How do you think I ended up with so much money to begin with?
[13:06] r_peters52: it mean nothin to me
[13:06] r_peters52: bye then
[13:06] Me: If you see a white light — go into it!
[13:07] r_peters52: dont worry
[13:07] r_peters52: i guse u will eat the money
[13:07] Me: the hell you say! I eat sushi!

And the winner of the annoying battle is ME! Yay!

I am a nice person, really I am. But there is just something about random receiving random IMs that just annoys the hell out of me and turns me into a bitch. I decided this time around to make myself more painful to talk to than the other guy to see how long it would take him to leave. Turns out, not long at all. I win!

[18:54] est_alors1975: hello
[18:54] *** Auto-response sent to est_alors1975: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[18:54] est_alors1975: *BUZZ!!!*
[18:54] est_alors1975: ok
[18:55] est_alors1975: i am add u
[18:55] *** est_alors1975 has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[18:56] *** You have denied access to est_alors1975.
[18:57] Me: what add for you why?
[18:58] est_alors1975: i want to be your friend
[18:58] Me: friendsheep fleeting is so very much, is not it?
(here I get an invitation for to view his webcam)
[19:00] Me: i not understand to need via video chat
[19:01] est_alors1975: just my cam
[19:01] Me: please i no see if walks in my husband punishments fierce follow to soon.
[19:03] est_alors1975: iam Serious
(here the webcam invitation is given again)
[19:03] Me: serious as am i so very much that to look to be would a danger of proportions painful.
[19:04] est_alors1975: no
[19:04] est_alors1975: not afraid
[19:04] Me: no for what
[19:05] Me: but afraid be me
[19:05] est_alors1975: are u maried .
[19:05] Me: yes my husband soflty walk but carry stick of large size.
[19:07] Me: so then wish you not my friendsheep longer any?
[19:08] Me: weep my eyes do clearly for another friendship great lost has been.
[19:08] est_alors1975: thanx
[19:08] est_alors1975: i wish a very good time
[19:08] est_alors1975: thanx
[19:08] Me: what thank me do you for?
[19:08] est_alors1975: and i talk to because you are very nice
[19:09] est_alors1975: but
[19:09] Me: nice say to me you do but mean be me.
[19:09] est_alors1975: i can’t talk to you
[19:09] Me: *crying*
[19:09] est_alors1975: be cause you are for an other
[19:09] Me: *suicide committing*
[19:10] est_alors1975: ok bye

I must have amazing powers. The ease and speed at which I can created meaningful relationships full of love and promise astounds me. Take, for example, Maqsood. He was unable to hide is budding feelings. I am actually fairly certain that had I continued chatting with this idiot, he would have ended up in the “scammers” category instead of the “asshats” one.

This chat is from August 2007.

[21:56] maqsood209a: hi
[21:56] *** Auto-response sent to maqsood209a: In and out — please leave a message
[21:56] maqsood209a: how are u
[21:57] maqsood209a: i see ur pic
[21:57] maqsood209a: i want too talk dear
[21:57] maqsood209a: pls
[21:58] maqsood209a: *BUZZ*
[22:12] missfoureggs: I’m so sorry.
[22:13] missfoureggs: I was being punished and couldn’t come to the computer in time.
[22:13] maqsood209a: pls talk me
[22:13] missfoureggs: I AM talking to you.
[22:13] maqsood209a: i like u
[22:13] missfoureggs: Awww… how sweet.
[22:14] missfoureggs: It’s my sparkling personality, isn’t it?
[22:14] maqsood209a: i want u friend ship
[22:14] maqsood209a: i see ur nice look pic i like u
[22:14] maqsood209a: i need women life
[22:15] maqsood209a: i love u my heart
[22:15] maqsood209a: if u like me friend
[22:15] missfoureggs: aww… you love me long time too?
[22:15] maqsood209a: sure
[22:15] maqsood209a: u belive me
[22:15] maqsood209a: i care u very
[22:15] missfoureggs: I thank you very
[22:15] maqsood209a: @};- only u rose love
[22:15] missfoureggs: omg! that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever emoticoted to me.
[22:16] maqsood209a: you are great women i feel
[22:16] missfoureggs: I AM great woman you right
[22:16] maqsood209a: first time see ur pic touch my heart ur look u belive i tell u honset my feeling
[22:16] maqsood209a: yes i hope u are great
[22:17] missfoureggs: the first time I see your IM my heart beat faster too
[22:17] maqsood209a: nice too meet u and thanx god fond nice women
[22:17] maqsood209a: i am honset man
[22:18] missfoureggs: oh good. i no lie either.
[22:18] maqsood209a: nice talk
[22:18] maqsood209a: what is ur good name
[22:18] missfoureggs: My good name is Eggsie. what is your good name?
[22:18] maqsood209a: nice name
[22:19] missfoureggs: too common
[22:19] maqsood209a: my good name maqsood ahamd
[22:19] missfoureggs: good good
[22:19] maqsood209a: ty ty
[22:19] maqsood209a: i am maqsood ahmad
[22:19] maqsood209a: my age 32
[22:20] missfoureggs: I am Eggsie Klevinger my age a spritely 72
[22:20] maqsood209a: ohhh very old but no problim 72 age best is my feeling for u
[22:20] maqsood209a: best is like too like right
[22:20] missfoureggs: age is only a number
[22:21] maqsood209a: no matter age best honset love
[22:21] missfoureggs: I am excellent at photoshop
[22:21] maqsood209a: yes only is numer
[22:21] missfoureggs: yes only is
[22:21] maqsood209a: yes
[22:21] missfoureggs: yes
[22:21] maqsood209a: i want u are my life friend
[22:22] missfoureggs: I want that you are my baby daddy
[22:22] maqsood209a: h have baby <— hahhahah — I think he just stuttered
[22:22] missfoureggs: w what?
[22:22] maqsood209a: tell ur life pls
[22:23] maqsood209a: where are u from
[22:23] missfoureggs: I am from a land in the middle of the sea, perhaps you have heard of it
[22:23] maqsood209a: u mean usa
[22:24] missfoureggs: hahaha hahhahahaha
[22:24] maqsood209a: pls tell me
[22:24] missfoureggs: I am from a little island called Marmeseque in the middle of hte Pacific Ocean
[22:25] maqsood209a: ok ur country name
[22:25] missfoureggs: oh my country tis of thee USA now
[22:25] maqsood209a: ok city name
[22:25] missfoureggs: Marmeduke
[22:26] missfoureggs: not to be confused with Marmelade
[22:26] missfoureggs: that’s jelly
[22:26] maqsood209a: no
[22:26] maqsood209a: i like very far from
[22:26] missfoureggs: where is your good country?
[22:26] maqsood209a: i know new yark city
[22:26] maqsood209a: pak
[22:26] missfoureggs: i see
[22:27] maqsood209a: yes
[22:27] missfoureggs: yes
[22:27] maqsood209a: can i see
[22:27] missfoureggs: I don’t know. Do you have working ocular orbits?
[22:28] maqsood209a: pls cam open i want very u see real pic
[22:28] maqsood209a: i amprech u
[22:28] missfoureggs: oh my goodness. I don’t know how to use thhose newfangled gadgets!
[22:28] maqsood209a: no mind
[22:29] maqsood209a: my english poor
[22:29] maqsood209a: but i try u undersnt
[22:29] missfoureggs: it’s ok. I’m just old.
[22:29] maqsood209a: no problim old
[22:29] maqsood209a: best is like too like
[22:29] missfoureggs: no — except when your bladder leaks into your undies.
[22:30] maqsood209a: are u marriod
[22:31] missfoureggs: Oh yes. For the 5th time. They all keep dying on me. That’s why I married a spritely 25 year old this time. He’ll take care of me.
[22:31] maqsood209a: ok
[22:31] maqsood209a: one ask u
[22:31] missfoureggs: what?
[22:32] maqsood209a: like too friend ship real
[22:32] missfoureggs: uhm, ok. (I have no idea what he was talking about here)
[22:32] maqsood209a: thanx u
[22:33] maqsood209a: add me my friend list ur id
[22:33] missfoureggs: oh dear. Here comes that nurse Ratchett with my medicine.
[22:33] missfoureggs: I have to run.
[22:33] maqsood209a: when u back
[22:33] maqsood209a: i need u very
[22:33] maqsood209a: add me pls
[22:33] *** maqsood209a has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[22:34] *** maqsood209a has been ignored.

Ooops! Did I hit the wrong button at the end there??

This one is pretty long. It’s another Nigerian money scammer. Do these guys actually have success sometimes?? It’s mind-boggling, really. IN the end, I passed this guy off to a friend of mine who kept him busy with ridiculous chats for another couple days. Unfortunately, I no longer have those logs. This is from December 2006.

[15:17] derrycrawler: hello
[15:17] derrycrawler: are u there?
[15:17] Me: hello. who are you?
[15:18] derrycrawler: I am Derry, I am sorry if I interrupt ur privacy
[15:18] Me: and what do you want from me, Derry?
[15:19] derrycrawler: To be my friend if u dont mind
[15:19] derrycrawler: auh
[15:19] Me: Why would you want ME to be your friend?
[15:19] Me: I’m mean.
[15:19] derrycrawler: I just saw ur pic in pro
[15:19] Me: and I looked like I’d be nice?
[15:19] derrycrawler: U look so cute
[15:19] derrycrawler: definately
[15:20] Me: well, then, looks are deceiving. I’m EVIL.
[15:20] derrycrawler: I know u are a good one
[15:20] derrycrawler: I guess u dont wanna prove me wrong
[15:20] derrycrawler: lol:D
[15:20] Me: I don’t understand your question. but I’ll laugh with you. LOL
[15:20] derrycrawler: whatever
[15:21] Me: hahaha, Derry, did you just tell me “whatever?”
[15:21] derrycrawler: Ur husband must be a lucky man
[15:21] derrycrawler: yeah
[15:21] derrycrawler: He must really be a lucky man
[15:21] Me: yeah, I just showed him that and he said, “Yeah, right, I’m so lucky” and he totally didn’t mean it
[15:21] derrycrawler: What is Horoscope?
[15:22] Me: it’s this astrological thing.
[15:22] derrycrawler: ok
[15:22] derrycrawler: What is ur name damsel???
[15:23] Me: Funny you should say that. My name is Damsel.
[15:23] derrycrawler: lol
[15:23] derrycrawler: Just kidding
[15:23] Me: just kidding about what?
[15:24] derrycrawler: At 36, u are really beautiful….I wonder how u would look like at 26
[15:24] derrycrawler: Angel I think
[15:24] derrycrawler: ?=))?
[15:24] Me: uhm, sure.
[15:24] derrycrawler: That’s good
[15:24] derrycrawler: I am Derry by name as u know
[15:25] derrycrawler: And I think it wouldnt be nice u hidding urs from me
[15:25] Me: Eggsie.
[15:25] derrycrawler: ok…I saw that on pro but aignt sure of that
[15:25] Me: why?
[15:26] Me: something weird about my name?
[15:26] derrycrawler: u are aignt what if u dont mind?..
[15:26] derrycrawler: nothing
[15:26] Me: I have no idea what you are talking about.
[15:26] derrycrawler: I am asking about ur surname
[15:27] Me: what about it.
[15:27] derrycrawler: Just wanna know
[15:27] derrycrawler: But if u dont wanna tell me
[15:27] Me: Klevinger. Geesh.
[15:27] derrycrawler: no prob
[15:27] Me: why? Do you want to mail me money or something?
[15:28] derrycrawler: why that question, have anybody ever don that to you?
[15:28] Me: yeah. people mail me money all the time.
[15:29] derrycrawler: do u requested dor it?
[15:29] derrycrawler: for it i mean
[15:29] derrycrawler: ?
[15:29] Me: no. They just like me and send me money.
[15:29] derrycrawler: ok
[15:29] derrycrawler: Before that
[15:29] derrycrawler: I will like to know u first
[15:30] derrycrawler: I mean get to know u for real
[15:30] Me: what? You want to know me and then you want to mail me money too?
[15:30] Me: everybody wants to give me their damn money. I should just quit my job.
[15:30] derrycrawler: no no no
[15:30] derrycrawler: I think u are getting something wrong
[15:31] Me: what? you want me to send YOU money?
[15:31] derrycrawler: I am an honest man which I dont allow people to go astray
[15:31] derrycrawler: have u sent any before
[15:31] derrycrawler: ?
[15:31] Me: just to the needy
[15:31] derrycrawler: ok
[15:31] derrycrawler: Which country is that u sent money to?
[15:31] Me: Nigeria
[15:32] derrycrawler: ok
[15:32] derrycrawler: how much?
[15:32] Me: just a few hundred dollars. not a lot.
[15:32] derrycrawler: wait
[15:32] derrycrawler: I have limited time to go now
[15:32] derrycrawler: I will be back soon…but can I have ur phone number
[15:32] derrycrawler: so that I can reach u on phone now
[15:32] Me: no
[15:33] derrycrawler: I need to tell u some things
[15:33] Me: tell me here or don’t tell me.
[15:33] derrycrawler: which I believed u dont know
[15:33] Me: we only have a cell phone and my husband has it now
[15:33] derrycrawler: ok
[15:33] derrycrawler: what about the home phone?
[15:33] Me: we don’t have a home phone.
[15:33] Me: why would we need one if we have a cell phone?
[15:34] derrycrawler: just to call u on phone
[15:34] Me: nope. Besides, I’m hoarse.
[15:34] derrycrawler: Atleast hear that angelic voice of urs
[15:34] Me: nope. I was busy screaming into the wind last night.
[15:34] derrycrawler: what happened?
[15:35] Me: the wind came and I screamed into it and now i’m hoarse.
[15:35] derrycrawler: why are u screaming?what was the cuz
[15:35] derrycrawler: oh i c
[15:35] derrycrawler: have u been sent any cheque for cash payment before….?
[15:36] Me: no. why?
[15:36] derrycrawler: Just asking
[15:36] derrycrawler: I have a client that want to pay me with cheque
[15:36] derrycrawler: he is in the state
[15:36] derrycrawler: which I am not
[15:36] derrycrawler: I dont know if u can assist on that
[15:36] derrycrawler: ?
[15:36] Me: Sure, why not.
[15:37] Me: what do you need me to do?
[15:37] derrycrawler: uhmmm
[15:37] derrycrawler: can i trust u on that and what about ur husband?
[15:37] Me: we have our own monies.
[15:38] Me: you can trust me.
[15:39] Me: did you leave?
[15:40] Me: Oh well. I guess so. see you later.
[15:41] Me: if you have more information, email it to me at Me@yahoo.com thanks!

[09:44] derrycrawler: hi [Offline Message (Tue Dec 19 08:18:42 2006)]
[09:44] derrycrawler: are u there? [Offline Message (Tue Dec 19 08:18:52 2006)]
[09:59] derrycrawler: hello
[09:59] *** Auto-response sent to derrycrawler: I am currently idle.
[09:59] *** “derrycrawler” signed on at Tue Dec 19 09:59:35 2006.
[09:59] derrycrawler: are u there?
[09:59] derrycrawler: can we talk now or u are busy?
[10:00] derrycrawler:
[10:01] *** “derrycrawler” signed off at Tue Dec 19 10:01:11 2006.
[10:04] *** “derrycrawler” signed on at Tue Dec 19 10:04:19 2006.
[10:04] derrycrawler: hello
[10:04] Me: I’m here now.
[10:04] derrycrawler: ok
[10:05] Me: well, what do you want?
[10:06] derrycrawler: we are talking about the check
[10:06] Me: oh yes, the check. What did you need me to do?
[10:07] derrycrawler: I was just asking u if anybody have ever sent you a cheque for payment?
[10:07] Me: no.
[10:07] Me: why?
[10:08] derrycrawler: just asking
[10:08] derrycrawler: Which state are u in?
[10:08] Me: Nebraska
[10:08] derrycrawler: I think I am forgetting something which I think u need to know
[10:08] derrycrawler: I am from in Nigeria…I guess u dont mind about that?
[10:09] Me: Why would I mind?
[10:09] derrycrawler: ok
[10:09] derrycrawler: Good of you…many Americans do not like talking to somebody from Africa…
[10:09] derrycrawler: I dont know why many Americans do racism
[10:10] Me: Well, I can’t imagine why anyone would feel that way. It’s not like you’re a bad guy.
[10:10] derrycrawler: yeah
[10:10] derrycrawler: Have u ever had a sad experience about this online stuff
[10:11] Me: uhm, no. Have you?
[10:11] derrycrawler: yeah….
[10:11] Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
[10:11] derrycrawler: its ok
[10:11] Me: I have to run right now. I have 7 kids and it’s time for me to make their lunch. you can just email me the particulars on how I can help you.
[10:12] derrycrawler: I was duped of a money worth $15,000
[10:12] derrycrawler: I will like to discuss that with you on phone
[10:12] Me: I don’t talk on phones. I’m sorry.
[10:12] derrycrawler: Can u give me ur home address so that I can get you a phone
[10:12] derrycrawler: That is really easy for me
[10:13] Me: You want to send me a phone? I have a phone, I just don’t like to talk on it. (I screwed up here — I should have let him send one)
[10:13] derrycrawler: Thats not too good
[10:13] derrycrawler: I will like us to establish a real trust worthy relationship
[10:13] Me: besides, my husband might get mad if I’m getting calls from Nigeria. He says I give too much money to poor people in Nigeria.
[10:14] derrycrawler: I am different either
[10:14] derrycrawler: I have my own money
[10:14] derrycrawler: I do a business with I get my money from
[10:15] Me: well, then, maybe you should talk to him first so he doesn’t get mad that I’m getting phone calls from you — he’ll see the number on the cell phone bill.
[10:15] derrycrawler: ok..
[10:15] derrycrawler: how do I contact him then
[10:15] derrycrawler: and hope he wouldn’t be mad at me
[10:15] Me: Let me ask him if he’ll talk to you first… hang on.
[10:16] derrycrawler: Ok
[10:16] Me: No he doesn’t want to talk to you.
[10:16] Me: I have to go. My kids need me.
[10:16] derrycrawler: ok
[10:16] derrycrawler: can u get me ur home address…
[10:16] Me: just email me — I’m not online too often.
[10:16] derrycrawler: So that I can sent you something
[10:17] derrycrawler: atleast for a xmas gift
[10:17] Me: 1023 Uranassole Street
[10:17] Me: Omaha, NE 52691
[10:17] derrycrawler: Recipient name:
[10:17] Me: Eggsie Klevinger
[10:18] Me: I have to go
[10:18] derrycrawler: ok, I got that
[10:18] derrycrawler: I am sorry if I am takne much of ur time
[10:18] derrycrawler: But I will like to talk to your husband been the head of the family
[10:19] derrycrawler: to permitt me have a good friendship with the family
[10:20] derrycrawler: *BUZZ*
[10:20] Me: I told you I’m making lunch.
[10:20] derrycrawler: ok…
[10:20] derrycrawler: I am still online
[10:20] Me: fascinating
[10:21] derrycrawler: Get back to me when u are through with that
[10:21] Me: I will be busy all day. I have 7 kids and I home school them.
[10:21] derrycrawler: ok
[10:21] derrycrawler: U have cam..so that I can just see u
[10:21] derrycrawler: For a min
[10:21] derrycrawler: its ok by me
[10:21] Me: I don’t have one – -sorry
[10:22] Me: I’m going now. bye.
[10:22] derrycrawler: ok

[12:20] derrycrawler: are u back?
[12:20] *** Auto-response sent to derrycrawler: I am currently idle.
[12:20] derrycrawler: are u back?
[12:20] derrycrawler: *BUZZ*
[12:21] Me: I’m here but just for a couple minutes.
[12:21] derrycrawler: ok
[12:22] Me: ok. go ahead and mail me a phone and then we can talk. My husband doesn’t want me talking to you on our phone.
[12:22] derrycrawler: i tried validating ur address but it can not be located
[12:22] Me: It’s a new housing development.
[12:23] derrycrawler: iya eeeeeee
[12:23] Me: Our whole neighborhood was just built in the last few months.
[12:23] derrycrawler: But the zip is also different
[12:23] Me: its a new zip code
[12:24] derrycrawler: uhmmmm….ok
[12:24] derrycrawler: I can only send u something if I can see u on cam or either hear your voice on phone…
[12:25] Me: why? That’s retarded
[12:25] derrycrawler: U know many deceive here on internet
[12:25] Me: You don’t say!
[12:25] derrycrawler: what>
[12:25] derrycrawler: ?
[12:26] Me: Oh never mind. Now you are on my nerves. You asked me for help and I said I’d help you and then you looked up my address and made accusatoins and I’m offended.
[12:27] Me: I’m going to ignore you now
[12:27] derrycrawler: I am not saying u are one of them but I just have to be sure
[12:27] derrycrawler: U know that once beaten twice shy
[12:27] derrycrawler: I have been duped before
[12:27] derrycrawler: and I dont want that to happened to me no more
[12:28] Me: ok then. Goodbye. Because I don’t have a cam and my husband won’t let me talk on the phone with you on our phone so there is no point in furthering this conversation.
[12:28] derrycrawler: whatever
[12:28] Me: What-EVAH!!!!
[12:29] derrycrawler: yeah
[12:29] Me: You know what I think? I think you are a liar.
[12:30] derrycrawler: se mo ko ila ni?
[12:30] Me: WHAT?
[12:30] derrycrawler: nothing
[12:30] Me: se me ko ila ni?
[12:30] Me: what does that mean?
[12:30] derrycrawler: that is just an African language
[12:31] Me: Look, I’m sorry. I flew off the handle. I do have a friend that would probably be willing to help you.
[12:31] derrycrawler: ok
[12:31] derrycrawler: who is that?
[12:31] derrycrawler: he or she got phone?
[12:31] Me: her Yahoo id is *edited*
[12:32] derrycrawler: ok
[12:33] Me: Hasta la vista, se me ko ila ni!
[12:33] *** derrycrawler has been ignored.