I am a Buffalo!

This chat is from October 2006. It seriously could have continued for hours but I had to put him on ignore — he was making me nuts. He’s off the charts looney. I really hope he sought help for his anger management issues since then.

[23:03] righteous_05: h9
[23:03] *** Auto-response sent to righteous_05: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[23:03] righteous_05: hi
[23:03] Me: h9
[23:03] righteous_05: how are u
[23:04] Me: busy
[23:04] righteous_05: ohh !
[23:04] righteous_05: with what
[23:04] Me: none of your beeswax
[23:04] righteous_05: whats up ! negga
[23:05] Me: uhm, ok
[23:05] righteous_05: what do u do in ur life
[23:06] Me: annoy people who contact me unsolicited. what do you do?
[23:06] righteous_05: mmm its my off day….
[23:06] righteous_05: thinking 2 do some thing
[23:06] righteous_05: lol
[23:06] Me: wow. good for you. have fun
[23:06] righteous_05: yeap !
[23:06] righteous_05: do u have a job
[23:06] Me: I’m a beekeeper
[23:07] righteous_05: great !
[23:07] righteous_05: do u like that ?
[23:07] Me: only when I’m not being stung
[23:08] righteous_05: nice !
[23:08] righteous_05: u look like a strong girl
[23:08] Me: yeah. I’m going to be in the olympics.
[23:09] righteous_05: are the girl who came on CNN last night ?
[23:09] righteous_05: :-O
[23:09] righteous_05: did u hit 109 men ?
[23:09] Me: excuse me?
[23:09] righteous_05: lol
[23:11] righteous_05: do u love u life
[23:11] Me: of course.
[23:11] righteous_05: cool
[23:11] righteous_05: 🙂
[23:11] righteous_05: i respect that..
[23:11] righteous_05: u said that without thinking
[23:11] righteous_05: which is so positive
[23:11] Me: well, I was sure hoping you would respect me.
[23:11] Me: gee, thanks for that.
[23:12] righteous_05: uw
[23:12] righteous_05: is it urp ic at the profile
[23:12] Me: what is an urp?
[23:12] righteous_05: pic
[23:12] righteous_05: wrongly spelled
[23:12] Me: ah, I see. yes, it’s me.
[23:13] righteous_05: but u dont look like ur 36
[23:13] Me: thanks
[23:13] righteous_05: maybe ur hiding ur age ! hey i am not saying that so u tell me that..for real…
[23:13] righteous_05: are u 36 ?
[23:13] Me: yep
[23:14] righteous_05: 🙂
[23:14] righteous_05: ur pretty girl
[23:14] righteous_05: do u have another pics ?
[23:14] Me: are you hitting on me?
[23:15] righteous_05: hitting what do u mean ..
[23:15] righteous_05: i know hitlar but not hitting
[23:15] righteous_05: lol
[23:15] Me: why do you want more pics of me for?
[23:15] righteous_05: cause i liked u !
[23:15] Me: why? I’m not even being nice.
[23:15] righteous_05: ur strong
[23:15] Me: strong like a bull
[23:16] righteous_05: :-SS
[23:16] righteous_05: dont hit me plz
[23:16] Me: yeah, whatever.
[23:16] righteous_05: lol
[23:18] righteous_05: hey are u still breathing ?
[23:18] righteous_05: lol
[23:18] Me: I think I told you at the beginning of this conversation that I’m busy
[23:18] righteous_05: and i think i told u i have not 2 end this convesation .
[23:19] Me: yeah, ok.
[23:19] Me: do I know you or are you just talking to me because my profile was interesting?
[23:19] righteous_05: the 2nd
[23:19] righteous_05: 1
[23:19] righteous_05: i think so
[23:20] Me: ok
[23:20] righteous_05: can i ask u what are u busy in ?
[23:20] Me: no
[23:20] righteous_05: mmm
[23:20] righteous_05: why ?
[23:21] Me: because it’s none of your business
[23:21] righteous_05: okay..
[23:21] righteous_05: do u think ur the only tought person at this world ?
[23:21] righteous_05: lol
[23:21] righteous_05: i tell u now now now tell me what are u busy at [-(
[23:22] Me: I’m busy trying to get you to stop talking to me so I can work.
[23:22] righteous_05: work
[23:22] righteous_05: u see there is progress
[23:22] righteous_05: what are u working at ?
[23:23] Me: I’m ordering new bees
[23:23] righteous_05: bees u make honey !
[23:24] Me: that’s what beekeepers do
[23:24] righteous_05: yeap !
[23:24] righteous_05: i have a big bee
[23:24] righteous_05: but its so lazy !
[23:24] Me: uhm, ok.
[23:25] righteous_05: am wondering if it has a place ?
[23:25] righteous_05: between ur bees !
[23:25] Me: your bee?
[23:25] righteous_05: yeap
[23:25] Me: oh my god.
[23:25] Me: should I call my husband into the room and ask him?
[23:26] righteous_05: lol
[23:26] righteous_05: no
[23:26] righteous_05: what doese ur name mean
[23:27] Me: It means “Talk like a Pirate” in Swahili
[23:27] righteous_05: Swahili
[23:27] righteous_05: Swahili
[23:27] righteous_05:
[23:27] righteous_05: hey ..
[23:27] righteous_05: where is ur cam !
[23:28] Me: In my ass.
[23:28] righteous_05: coool
[23:28] righteous_05: :))
[23:28] righteous_05: then :-& it
[23:29] righteous_05: then invite me !
[23:29] Me: you want to see my anus?
[23:30] righteous_05: anus didnt u found some thing else !
[23:30] Me: I have no idea what you are even saying.
[23:31] righteous_05: yes
[23:31] righteous_05: i want 2
[23:31] righteous_05: Me: you want to see my anus?
[23:31] Me: well, since my cam is in my ass, I don’t know what else you think you’d see.
[23:32] righteous_05: =))
[23:32] righteous_05: looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool
[23:33] righteous_05: yeap !
[23:33] righteous_05: no one can guess
[23:34] righteous_05: we would see lot of bees
[23:35] Me: what’s this “WE” of which you speak?
[23:35] Me: there is no “WE”
[23:35] righteous_05: if u say so
[23:36] righteous_05: why do i feel ur a man !
[23:37] Me: because I don’t fall for stupid meaningless flattery?
[23:37] Me: I’m not a man. I’m not gay. I have no interest in talking to you.
[23:37] righteous_05: me 2
[23:38] righteous_05: actually i hate talking 2 u not only interest
[23:38] Me: uhm, ok.
[23:38] righteous_05: actually ur every thing but not a girl
[23:40] Me: no. I’m a woman.
[23:40] righteous_05: prove it
[23:40] Me: oh, Piss off, Sparky. I don’t need to prove shit to you. if you think I’m a man, do me a favor and LEAVE
[23:41] righteous_05: i belive ur a man , and i am not leaving .
[23:41] righteous_05: and i do no fav
[23:41] righteous_05: to any 1
[23:41] righteous_05: do u understand me ?
[23:41] Me: you are so gonna get posted on my blog, dick head.
[23:41] righteous_05: or shall i say it louder
[23:41] Me: wtf? you’re a psycho.
[23:42] righteous_05: wtf ? ur buffle
[23:42] righteous_05: buffalo
[23:42] Me: I’m a buffalo???? are you fucking high?
[23:42] righteous_05: i am done with u i will say the last fucken thing
[23:42] righteous_05: open ur ass and hear !
[23:43] Me: you are such a moron.
[23:43] Me: YARRRRRRRRRR!
[23:46] Me: my ass has been open a while here — when are you going to talk?
[23:46] righteous_05: open it wider
[23:46] Me: you better hurry up and say it. I’m about to close my ass.
[23:46] righteous_05: or use ur pussy its wider
[23:46] Me: oooh. got got me there.
[23:47] Me: ouch.
[23:47] Me: ohnoz.
[23:47] righteous_05: i would put my bee there
[23:47] Me: yeah. I’m sure it probably looks like a bee.
[23:47] righteous_05: its not
[23:48] righteous_05: u would cry
[23:48] Me: I’m sure.
[23:48] righteous_05: u will
[23:48] Me: Oh, WILL I?
[23:48] righteous_05: u cant put 12inch there without crying
[23:49] Me: how the fuck would you know.
[23:49] Me: buffalo have big snatches.
[23:49] righteous_05: hhahaha
[23:49] righteous_05: and snakes has white poison
[23:49] Me: and idiots has my IM box all the damn time.
[23:49] Me: do I have a sign that says “Idiots IM me?”
[23:49] righteous_05: idiots talks to idiots only by the way
[23:50] Me: that makes no sense.
[23:50] righteous_05: it makes but maybe u cant understand that
[23:50] righteous_05: cause ur a woman
[23:50] Me: ok, Zenmaster, I’m going to work now
[23:50] Me: I thought I was a man and a buffalo?
[23:51] Me: you must be smoking crack
[23:51] righteous_05: what did u say ? piece of shit
[23:51] Me: you’re calling me a piece of shit now? ROFLMAO!
[23:51] Me: you are such a charmer.
[23:52] Me: how did this world ever get so blessed to have you on it?
[23:52] righteous_05: so blessed so some 1 will pee at some 1 grave
[23:53] Me: right!
[23:53] righteous_05: so fucken right
[23:53] righteous_05: ur are just holes
[23:53] righteous_05: u have big holes at ur body
[23:54] Me: wow
[23:54] righteous_05: that what ur !
[23:54] Me: you are like a poet!
[23:54] righteous_05: sure specially romance poets ! as these
[23:56] Me: I might just fall in love with your ass
[23:56] righteous_05: 5 holes
[23:56] Me: you have 5 holes in your ass?
[23:56] righteous_05: no
[23:56] righteous_05: thats u
[23:56] Me: wow.
[23:56] Me: ok.
[23:56] Me: is that my pet name now? Miss 5 holes?
[23:57] righteous_05: actually
[23:57] righteous_05: miss 7 holes
[23:57] righteous_05: ears x2 , pussy x1 , boob x2 , mouth x1 , ass x 1
[23:57] Me: I have holes in my boobs?
[23:58] righteous_05: yeap ! but there are smaller than u can see them
[23:58] Me: how old are you anyway, Sparky?
[23:58] righteous_05: old enought so u can call me uncle
[23:58] Me: ooh, that’s so witty
[23:58] righteous_05: wet , wet !
[23:58] righteous_05: are u wet now ?
[23:59] righteous_05: am i talking 222 sweet so u got wet !
[23:59] Me: omg. seriously, how old are you?
[23:59] righteous_05: old enought
[23:59] righteous_05: 5
[23:59] Me: you’re 5?
[23:59] righteous_05: yes’
[00:00] righteous_05: do u see me kidding ?
[00:00] righteous_05: biotch ?
[00:00] Me: I don’t talk to 5 year olds.
[00:01] righteous_05: talk ?
[00:01] righteous_05: do u call all this crap talk ?
[00:01] Me: do you need an anger management class?
[00:02] righteous_05: yes but my dr recomended me to take miss7holes with me cause IT has lot of problems so i can learn how to be a human
[00:02] Me: for a total asshole, you’re pretty funny
[00:03] righteous_05: and i have no asshole
[00:03] righteous_05: remember ur the 1 who has all these
[00:03] Me: you have no asshole?
[00:03] righteous_05: no
[00:03] Me: ha! that would explain why you are full of shit!
[00:03] righteous_05: i thought shit from my dick !
[00:04] righteous_05: wanna a shot ?
[00:04] Me: not really.
[00:04] righteous_05: good 4 u u would have another hole
[00:05] Me: wow. I feel so much smarter from having met you.
[00:05] righteous_05: thats why crazy ppl stay crazy they think are good
[00:05] righteous_05: *there are good
[00:06] Me: you know a lot of crazy people, I take it.
[00:06] Me: roommates in the bin with you?
[00:06] righteous_05: 1- learn how to express what ur saying
[00:06] righteous_05: no ur the 1st 1
[00:07] righteous_05: Me: you know a lot of crazy people, I take it.
[00:07] Me: ok. let me express what I’m saying. You are a loser. You are boring me. I’m about to put you on ignore and post you on my blog. How is that for me expressing myself.
[00:07] righteous_05: i think u feel u lost
[00:07] righteous_05: >:D<
[00:08] Me: yes, I’m lost.
[00:08] Me: lost without you.
[00:09] righteous_05: damn!
[00:09] righteous_05: i thought i will marry u
[00:09] Me: I’m already married
[00:09] righteous_05: in a secret way
[00:09] righteous_05: 😉
[00:10] righteous_05: i will try not to eat onion when we will do that
[00:10] righteous_05: =))
[00:11] Me: what does that MEAN???
[00:11] righteous_05: it means u will not smell bad smells
[00:12] Me: ok… you are a complete psycho. I’m growing bored with you.
[00:12] righteous_05: lool
[00:12] Me: time for the ignore button.
[00:12] Me: bye.
[00:12] *** righteous_05 has been ignored.

HE CAME BACK WITH A DIFFERENT SCREEN NAME!!! HAHA! AND HE’S PISSED…

[00:16] damination_a_day: hi there
[00:16] *** Auto-response sent to damination_a_day: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[00:16] damination_a_day: what is this answering machine ?
[00:17] damination_a_day: okay i have this message for u : a little message which i hope will fuck u slut !
[00:17] damination_a_day: mother fucker ur bitch and slut i can see ur poor , ur used to hear bad words from ur childhood so u became a bitch a perfect bitch , u married a loser u thought ur life will be diffrent but suddenly u begun 2 know ur a bitch from the street so ur just a street girl !!!! i give u hails from ur lord slave : ur lord ! the lord is me…bitch i will cum at ur used tits ! how many men played with ur tits? can u tell me? so ur just some thing to be used …when u got old no body is looking at u…..mother fucker …IgNoReD have a fucken life :-*
[00:17] *** damination_a_day has been ignored.

I was Molesting Him with My Bussy

This guy deserved everything he got. I tried really hard to make him go away and he just wouldn’t.

[19:49] lexzydos: *BUZZ!*
[19:49] *** Auto-response sent to lexzydos: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[19:49] Me: hello
[19:49] lexzydos: ok
[19:49] Me: who is this?
[19:49] lexzydos: how are you
[19:49] Me: do I know you?
[19:50] lexzydos: i m michel looking for a relationship
[19:50] Me: I am married and not looking for anything.
[19:50] Me: goodbye
[19:50] lexzydos: do you care to chat
[19:51] Me: not really
[19:51] lexzydos: ok
[19:51] lexzydos: why
[19:51] lexzydos: *BUZZ!*
[19:51] Me: why would I want to chat with you? If you can give me 3 good reasons, I’ll chat
[19:51] lexzydos: how are you doing
[19:51] Me: and if you fucking hit that buzzer again, I’ll put you on ignore.
[19:52] lexzydos: ok
[19:54] lexzydos: i am divorced and need a relationship cos am all alone and dont have any body to talk to in here thats why i decide to chat may be i can find some one to talk with
[19:54] Me: aww, poor you.
[19:54] Me: you make me sad.
[19:54] lexzydos: and hope to see someone to keep me bussy
[19:54] Me: can you talk like a pirate?
[19:54] lexzydos: how
[19:54] Me: did you mean bussy or pussy?
[19:55] Me: just say “yarrrr…. shiver me timbers” or something.
[19:55] lexzydos: pussy how
[19:55] Me: you said you wanted someone to keep you bussy
[19:55] Me: wondered what you meant
[19:55] lexzydos: are you there
[19:55] Me: uhm, duh, yeah.
[19:56] lexzydos: are you intrested to chat with me or you want to talk pussy
[19:56] Me: that’s a weird question.
[19:56] lexzydos: i dont wanna talk pussy
[19:56] lexzydos: ok
[19:56] Me: ok.
[19:56] Me: I don’t either.
[19:56] Me: I was just trying to figure out what you were saying.
[19:56] Me: I want to talk pirate.
[19:56] Me: yarrr.
[19:57] lexzydos: ok
[19:57] lexzydos: how do we do that
[19:57] lexzydos: *BUZZ!*
[19:57] Me: just keep saying “Yarr”
[19:57] Me: you just buzzed me again.
[19:57] Me: goodbye.
[19:57] lexzydos: sorry
[19:57] lexzydos: pls come and talk to me
[19:58] Me: about what?
[19:58] lexzydos: [-(
[19:58] Me: why would you want to talk to me?
[19:58] Me: and I still haven’t heard a “Yarrrr!” out of you. I’m waiting, Michael.
[19:58] lexzydos: maybe you can make me happy a little bit
[19:58] Me: I don’t make people happy. I make them cry. It’s what makes me happy.
[19:59] lexzydos: talk something intimate
[19:59] Me: you should probably hit up someone friendlier.
[19:59] Me: something intimate?
[19:59] Me: wtf are you talking about?
[19:59] lexzydos: yes
[19:59] Me: say YARRR
[19:59] lexzydos: relationship
[19:59] Me: I’m MARRIED
[19:59] lexzydos: wow
[20:00] Me: wow what? I told you that like 5 minutes ago.
[20:00] lexzydos: its nice
[20:00] lexzydos: yes
[20:00] Me: uhm, yeah.
[20:00] Me: You know what really turns me on?
[20:00] lexzydos: but you seems somehow stricts
[20:01] lexzydos: what
[20:01] Me: smart guys.
[20:01] Me: big brains.
[20:01] lexzydos: how
[20:01] Me: and I’m just not getting turned on by you. Why would that be, I wonder.
[20:01] lexzydos: ok
[20:02] lexzydos: so tell me are you willing to talk something serious with me
[20:02] Me: Michael. I have asked you to do some things for me and you have failed on all counts.
[20:02] Me: I asked you talk like a pirate — you didn’t.
[20:03] Me: I asked you to give me 3 reasons why I should talk to you — you didn’t.
[20:03] Me: I asked you to not buzz me again — you did.
[20:03] Me: I don’t know why I should waste any more of my precious time on you.
[20:04] lexzydos: i told you i need a companoin now that my wfe and i just divorce cos she slep with my housemate
[20:04] Me: why did she do that? Weren’t you any good in bed?
[20:04] lexzydos: no
[20:05] Me: I figured.
[20:05] lexzydos: i traveld on business trip and b4 i know what was going on it was late
[20:05] lexzydos: i cant just belive it
[20:06] Me: you know what? I’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself. If you won’t talk like a pirate, will you at least bark like a dog?
[20:06] lexzydos: why
[20:07] Me: It would make me happy. Do you want me to be happy?
[20:07] lexzydos: yes
[20:07] lexzydos: why not
[20:07] Me: then bark like a dog for me!
[20:07] Me: I’m waiting!
[20:08] lexzydos: no i cant
[20:08] Me: why not?
[20:08] lexzydos: are you molesting me
[20:09] Me: does it feel like I’m molesting you?
[20:09] Me: you are bizzare.
[20:09] lexzydos: byeeeeeeeeeee
[20:09] Me: thank you!
[20:10] lexzydos: ok

He Bachelor!

Not some of my better work ,but, eh, here it is. Ladies, he’s a bachelor – . Go get him!

Session Start (Me:abdelhadi58a): Fri Sep 15 16:07:23 2006
[16:07] abdelhadi58a: hello
[16:07] Me: hi
[16:11] abdelhadi58a: are you happy?
[16:11] Me: It just took you 4 minutes to type 3 words???
[16:12] abdelhadi58a: OK
[16:12] abdelhadi58a: ARE YOU RACEST
[16:13] Me: No. Is this a test?
[16:13] abdelhadi58a: OK
[16:13] Me: I just hope you’re not blonde.
[16:13] Me: I’m blondist.
[16:13] abdelhadi58a: ARE YOU BARRED?
[16:14] Me: Barred from what?
[16:14] abdelhadi58a: IAM FROM MOROCCO
[16:14] Me: ok.
[16:14] Me: Well, good for you.
[16:15] abdelhadi58a: AIM BACHELOR
[16:15] Me: I am happily married.
[16:15] abdelhadi58a: OK
[16:15] abdelhadi58a: GOOD
[16:16] abdelhadi58a: ARE YOU BARRRD?
[16:16] Me: What does Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd mean?
Session Close (abdelhadi58a): Fri Sep 15 19:53:00 2006

Session Start (Me:abdelhadi58a): Thu Sep 28 20:34:02 2006 (YES! This is almost 2 weeks later)
[20:34] abdelhadi58a: hello
[20:34] *** Auto-response sent to abdelhadi58a: In and out — please leave a message
Session Close (abdelhadi58a): Thu Sep 28 20:34:11 2006

Session Start (Me:abdelhadi58a): Thu Sep 28 20:34:42 2006
[20:34] abdelhadi58a: OK
[20:34] *** Auto-response sent to abdelhadi58a: In and out — please leave a message
Session Close (abdelhadi58a): Thu Sep 28 20:34:47 2006

Session Start (Me:abdelhadi58a): Thu Sep 28 20:35:22 2006
[20:35] abdelhadi58a: ARE YOU BARRED?
[20:35] *** Auto-response sent to abdelhadi58a: In and out — please leave a message
[20:35] Me: barred from WHAT?
[20:36] abdelhadi58a: I BACHELOR
[20:36] Me: I married.
[20:36] abdelhadi58a: IAM FROM MOROCCO
[20:36] Me: Iam not.
[20:36] abdelhadi58a: THEANK YOU
[20:36] Me: for what?
[20:37] abdelhadi58a: OK
[20:37] abdelhadi58a: YOU BERRD
[20:37] Me: berrd?
[20:37] abdelhadi58a: I BACHELOR
[20:37] Me: I married.
[20:38] abdelhadi58a: OK
[20:38] abdelhadi58a: I LIVE A LONE
[20:38] Me: I with with my husband, kids and bees.
[20:39] abdelhadi58a: OK
[20:39] abdelhadi58a: YOU ARE BETIFUL
[20:39] Me: well, thanks.
[20:40] abdelhadi58a: WT
[20:40] Me: what does WT mean?
[20:40] abdelhadi58a: ACN SEE PLZ
[20:40] Me: see what?
[20:40] abdelhadi58a: OK
[20:40] Me: Ok what? What do you want to see?
[20:43] Me: Hello? I thought you wanted to see something? Did you leave?
[20:43] Me: are you ill?
[20:43] Me: SHould I call a doctor?
[20:43] Me: You have me so worried!
[20:43] Me: please say you are ok!
[20:43] Me: Oh dear!
[20:43] Me: And here I thought I’d finally met my soul mate
[20:43] Me: and he dies while I’m talking to him.
[20:43] Me: this is a travesty.
[20:44] abdelhadi58a: >:D<
[20:44] Me: YOU’RE ALIVE!
[20:44] abdelhadi58a: OK
[20:44] abdelhadi58a: YES
[20:47] Me: Well ,somehow I find you dull again. Perhaps absense makes the heart grow fonder.
[20:48] Me: so on that note, farewell.
[20:48] *** abdelhadi58a has been ignored.

James the “Bussines Man”

YAY me! I got ANOTHER fucking idiot. Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do NOT go into chat rooms. I do not troll for morons. These idiots just keep IMing me out of the blue. I’m blessed I suppose. This one is particularly stupid. I included a screen cap of his profile – I wonder what catalog he picked that picture up from. Enjoy.

(for the record, he has since updated his profile a bit — but he still has business spelled wrong)

Here’s

[23:06] james_llaw2000: *ding*
[23:06] *** Auto-response sent to james_llaw2000: I am currently away from the computer.
[23:06] james_llaw2000: ok
[23:06] james_llaw2000: where are u now
[23:07] james_llaw2000: *ding*
[23:07] Me: why do you care?
[23:07] Me: DONT FUCKING DING ME!
[23:07] james_llaw2000: wooo
[23:07] james_llaw2000: hello
[23:07] james_llaw2000: how are u doing today
[23:08] Me: ok. who are you?
[23:08] james_llaw2000: are u there
[23:08] james_llaw2000: *ding*
[23:08] james_llaw2000: am james
[23:08] james_llaw2000: from uk
[23:08] james_llaw2000: 40 m
[23:08] james_llaw2000: u
[23:08] Me: You just dinged me again.
[23:08] Me: one more time and you on iggy
[23:08] Me: got it?
[23:09] james_llaw2000: got what
[23:09] Me: Do you understand.
[23:09] Me: if you ding me again, you’re DONE
[23:09] james_llaw2000: how
[23:10] Me: How? I will ignore you, that’s how.
[23:10] Me: what is it that makes you IM me out of the blue for no apparent reason this fine evening?
[23:10] james_llaw2000: why now
[23:10] Me: what? Do you speak English?
[23:11] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:11] Me: then why do you seem to have such a hard time understanding me?
[23:11] james_llaw2000: i can
[23:11] Me: ok. And you’re going to pretend that the picture in your profile is you as well?
[23:12] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:12] Me: do you think I was born yesterday?
[23:12] james_llaw2000: that is me james
[23:12] james_llaw2000: how
[23:12] Me: yeah, James. The business man?
[23:12] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:12] james_llaw2000: that is me
[23:12] james_llaw2000: ok
[23:12] james_llaw2000: u
[23:12] Me: Most business men know how to spell business. You spelled it bussines on your profile.
[23:13] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:13] james_llaw2000: how abut it
[23:13] Me: oh, so you did it on purpose?
[23:13] Me: you don’t even know how to spell what you do?
[23:13] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:13] james_llaw2000: teach me
[23:13] james_llaw2000: ok
[23:14] Me: teach you what?
[23:14] Me: Why don’t you go to a chat room for people who need help spelling their occupations.
[23:14] james_llaw2000: me my business
[23:15] Me: much better.
[23:15] Me: quick learner
[23:15] james_llaw2000: ty
[23:15] james_llaw2000: u are so hard on me why
[23:16] Me: You IM’d me out of the blue. I’m not in a chat room. What makes you think I want to chat with a stranger who is also a liar?
[23:16] james_llaw2000: so u are calling me a liar
[23:16] james_llaw2000: why
[23:17] Me: Tell the truth — what is your occupation?
[23:17] james_llaw2000: am a business man
[23:17] Me: what is your business?
[23:17] james_llaw2000: buy and sell
[23:17] Me: I buy and sell too.
[23:18] james_llaw2000: i buy part and sell
[23:18] james_llaw2000: u
[23:18] Me: you buy PARTS?
[23:18] james_llaw2000: u hard at me
[23:18] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:18] Me: do you know that yes is spelled with one s?
[23:19] james_llaw2000: yeap
[23:19] Me: Do you want something from me?
[23:19] james_llaw2000: yess
[23:19] james_llaw2000: and that thing is great
[23:20] Me: what thing is great? What the BLUE FUCK are you talking about?
[23:20] james_llaw2000: yes the blue fuck is u ineed
[23:21] Me: you need ME?
[23:21] Me: hhahaha! that’s a laugh.
[23:21] Me: are you a masochist?
[23:21] james_llaw2000: yes
[23:21] james_llaw2000: i do
[23:22] Me: sigh you are so painful to talk to and I, my “friend,” am NOT a masochist.
[23:22] james_llaw2000: :))
[23:22] Me: will you do me a favor?
[23:22] james_llaw2000: what
[23:22] Me: talk like a pirate
[23:22] james_llaw2000: woo
[23:22] james_llaw2000: that is good
[23:22] Me: woo? that’s an owl.
[23:23] Me: I mean a PIRATE
[23:23] Me: can you say, “Yarrrrr, shiver me timbers”
[23:23] james_llaw2000: why
[23:23] Me: why not?
[23:23] james_llaw2000: that
[23:23] Me: you IM’d me, remember?
[23:23] james_llaw2000: yes
[23:24] james_llaw2000: becuse i need u
[23:24] Me: so, masochist, talk like a fucking pirate.
[23:24] james_llaw2000: u too
[23:24] Me: no
[23:24] james_llaw2000: yes
[23:25] james_llaw2000: fucking dubble
[23:25] james_llaw2000: that is what u are
[23:25] Me: sigh – -I don’t hear any YARRRRs
[23:25] james_llaw2000: *ding*
[23:25] Me: YOU FUCKING DINGED ME AGAIN
[23:25] Me: welcome to the Ignore button, dickhead!
[23:25] james_llaw2000: u hear it now
[23:25] james_llaw2000: *ding*
[23:26] *** james_llaw2000 has been ignored.

Meet Prince King Dork of Assholvia

I’ve been contacted by Royalty. Don’t you wish you were so special. This one is particularly stupid — and that’s saying something…

His profile is blank.

Session Start (Me:prince_honey_man): Sun Sep 10 12:26:42 2006
[12:26] prince_honey_man: hi
[12:26] *** Auto-response sent to prince_honey_man: I am currently idle.
[12:26] prince_honey_man: how are u
[12:26] prince_honey_man: ok
[12:26] *** prince_honey_man has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[12:27] prince_honey_man: hi
[12:27] prince_honey_man: how are u
[12:27] prince_honey_man: are u there
[12:27] prince_honey_man:
[12:31] *** You have denied access to prince_honey_man.
[12:31] Me: is there something you want?
[12:31] *** prince_honey_man has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[12:31] *** You have denied access to prince_honey_man.
[12:35] Me: are you retarded or something?
Session Close (prince_honey_man): Sun Sep 10 12:48:35 2006

Here I thought that was the end of it and the poor Prince wouldn’t be worthy of my blog, but then, to my surprise, he returned the next day!

Session Start (Me:prince_honey_man): Mon Sep 11 12:44:04 2006
[12:44] prince_honey_man: hi
[12:44] prince_honey_man: how are u
[12:48] Me: are you serious?
[12:49] prince_honey_man: ok
[12:49] Me: Ok what?
[12:49] prince_honey_man: plz ur name now
[12:50] Me: Francesca Babushska. Please your name…. NOW!
[12:50] prince_honey_man: are u there
[12:50] prince_honey_man: plz ur name
[12:50] Me: no. My spirit is typing for me.
[12:50] Me: can you not read?
[12:50] prince_honey_man: plz
[12:51] Me: Plz what? I already told you. My name is Francesca Babushka.
[12:54] prince_honey_man: ok
[12:54] prince_honey_man: plz i am prince
[12:54] prince_honey_man: and can we be friend
[12:55] Me: hahah! You are a Prince? Well, hot diggidy! Prince of what?
[12:56] prince_honey_man: king
[12:56] Me: Oh! you are King now? Wow. Did your dad just die in the last couple seconds?
[12:57] prince_honey_man: plz
[12:57] Me: plz WHAT?
[12:59] prince_honey_man: *ding*
[12:59] Me: DING WHAT!?!?! What the hell do you want from me?
[12:59] Me: you’re the one who’s not talking!
[12:59] Me: Dayum, you must be Prince King Honey of Stupidville.
[13:00] prince_honey_man: plz i talk
[13:00] Me: whatever
[13:00] prince_honey_man: plz can u tell me about ur self
[13:01] Me: I’m a one armed, one legged hermaphrodite with a lazy eye. plz can u tell me abut UR self?
[13:01] prince_honey_man: ok
[13:02] prince_honey_man: plz i am king and i am in love with some woman that the woman is dad
[13:02] Me: Your dad is a woman and you love her/him?
[13:02] prince_honey_man: plz
[13:03] Me: Does “plz” mean “brb I have to pee” or something in your country?
[13:03] Me: you keep saying it an then nothing
[13:04] Me: Uhm, ok then Mr. No-Talkie. Cya around I guess.
[13:05] Me: Before I go, can you do me a favor and type, “Yarrrr! Shiver me timbers!”
[13:05] Me: plz
[13:07] Me: fine then, bye.
[13:11] Me: You’re just ignoring me because I only have one arm and one leg.
[13:11] Me: Hater!
[13:12] *** prince_honey_man has been ignored.

I’m an Idiot Magnet

This is yet ANOTHER August 2006 chat. Here is his profile: http://profiles.yahoo.com/johnnel22 Check out his picture that isn’t really him actually btw.

Wow! This guy had it all — the incredible opening line, the smooth moves, the intelligence… I shoulda added him…. Oh well.

[14:38] johnnel22: Hi,how are you doing and your family,hope fine like i am here with me?if so thanks be to God.
[14:38] Me: thanks be, indeed.
[14:39] johnnel22: nice to meet you
[14:39] Me: ok.
[14:39] johnnel22: what are you up to today ?
[14:40] Me: feeding the bees. You?
[14:40] johnnel22: wow i will soon be going out of the office now
[14:40] Me: ok. bye
[14:41] johnnel22: wait i am still here
[14:41] johnnel22: can i add you
[14:41] Me: why would you do that?
[14:42] johnnel22: i just want you to be my friend so i can meet you again online
[14:42] Me: gee golly.
[14:42] johnnel22: can i add you ?
[14:42] johnnel22: or you add me
[14:42] *** johnnel22 has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[14:43] Me: why on EARTH would you want to talk to me.
[14:43] Me: i’m MEEEEEEAN
[14:43] johnnel22: okay i have add you thanks
[14:43] johnnel22: what are you up to today
[14:43] *** You have denied access to johnnel22.
[14:43] Me: I told you I’m feeding my bees.
[14:44] johnnel22: okay
[14:44] johnnel22: are you on cam?
[14:44] Me: bee cam?
[14:44] johnnel22: yes
[14:44] Me: No. I feed my bees in the nude. I wouldn’t want that to be on cam.
[14:45] johnnel22: okay
[14:45] johnnel22: i will like to see your face lol
[14:45] Me: will you.
[14:45] Me: lol
[14:46] johnnel22: yes
[14:46] Me: 🙂
[14:46] Me: there.
[14:46] Me: that was my face
[14:46] johnnel22: yes
[14:46] Me: yes what?
[14:47] johnnel22: you ask me question
[14:47] johnnel22: look at ur message
[14:47] Me: you are painful to talk to. Look at this whole chat.
[14:48] johnnel22: why
[14:48] Me: I don’t know. maybe we live in different IQ Universes.
[14:48] johnnel22: well not so
[14:49] Me: Well so indeed.

[14:49] Me: I told you I’m mean. Aren’t you glad you didn’t add me to your friends now?
[14:49] johnnel22: okay are you not willing to be my friend?
[14:49] Me: I’m MEAN .. RAWR… Like a lion or a bee.
[14:50] Me: GRRROOOOWWWL!
[14:50] Me: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[14:51] *** johnnel22 has been ignored.

Sasan, The Friendly Iranian

What a nice guy. He loved me even though I had no face. He was a keeper… and sadly, I let him go… Michael is a friend who requested that I try to make the asshats talk like Pirates.

his profile: http://profiles.yahoo.com/sasan_10029

This chat took place in August 2006

[10:52] sasan_10029: hi
[11:02] Me: hi
[11:06] sasan_10029: hi
[11:06] Me: do i know you?
[11:06] sasan_10029: no you dont
[11:07] sasan_10029: but i would like to thak to you
[11:07] Me: thank me for what?
[11:07] sasan_10029: for talking to me
[11:08] Me: well don’t thank me too long. I probably won’t keep talking.
[11:08] sasan_10029: ok i try not to lol
[11:08] sasan_10029: what is your name
[11:08] Me: Eggsie — why?
[11:09] sasan_10029: just want to know
[11:09] sasan_10029: nice name is
[11:09] sasan_10029: do you have any pic?
[11:09] Me: nope
[11:09] sasan_10029: ok
[11:10] Me: ever since my horrible disfiguring accident, I don’t allow pictures to be taken of me.
[11:10] sasan_10029: would you tell me what do you look like
[11:10] Me: I look like a monster now.
[11:10] sasan_10029: it is ok to me
[11:10] Me: of course it is
[11:11] sasan_10029: but you have kind heart
[11:11] Me: how do you know?
[11:11] sasan_10029: *ding*
[11:11] sasan_10029: i know that
[11:11] Me: you must be a psychic
[11:11] sasan_10029: iam not but i can feel that
[11:12] Me: do me a favor
[11:12] Me: say, “aaarrrrrrrrgh. shiver me timbers”
[11:13] sasan_10029: what you mean?
[11:14] Me: just type that. just type the words: “aaaarrrrrrgh. Shiver me timbers”
[11:14] sasan_10029: ok
[11:14] sasan_10029: “aaaarrrrrrgh. Shiver me timbers”
[11:15] Me: Thank you!
[11:15] Me: That was for Michael.
[11:15] sasan_10029: ok
[11:15] sasan_10029: do you have mic
[11:16] Me: no.
[11:16] Me: I don’t have a voice either.
[11:16] sasan_10029: that is ok
[11:16] Me: my voicebox was distroyed in the horrible disfiguring accident.
[11:16] sasan_10029: where do youlive
[11:16] Me: the hospital. where do you live?
[11:16] sasan_10029: iam sorry for you
[11:17] Me: I don’t need your pity.
[11:17] sasan_10029: i live in a house
[11:17] Me: i am sorry for you
[11:17] sasan_10029: ok
[11:17] sasan_10029: why sorry for me
[11:17] Me: because you live in a house. that must be awful.
[11:18] sasan_10029: may be
[11:18] sasan_10029: but what about you that living in hospital
[11:18] Me: i don’t understand the question
[11:19] sasan_10029: is good living in hospital
[11:19] Me: yes. I get all my meal delivered to my bed.
[11:20] sasan_10029: i think i want to try it for sometimes
[11:20] Me: you want to try being in the hospital?
[11:20] Me: just stand in front of a train. that’s what I did.
[11:20] sasan_10029: yes i want to try that
[11:21] Me: let me know how it goes.
[11:21] sasan_10029: it i stand like that i will be dead
[11:21] Me: I jumped out of the way but not quite in the nick of time.
[11:21] sasan_10029: i dont think iwill be there anymore if i stand in front of the train
[11:22] Me: but you jump!
[11:22] Me: at the last minute
[11:22] Me: it’s a trick
[11:22] Me: but I wasn’t good at it
[11:22] Me: and lost my face
[11:22] sasan_10029: oh i see so i have to do the same yes?
[11:23] Me: if you want to try living in the hospital, yes.
[11:23] sasan_10029: i will do it but i will be very careful
[11:23] Me: you do that.
[11:24] sasan_10029: may be nothing happenes to me
[11:25] Me: maybe.
[11:25] sasan_10029: are you going to live there for ever
[11:25] Me: God willing.
[11:26] sasan_10029: hope not
[11:26] Me: awww. well, aren’t you sweet?
[11:26] Me: The only thing I’m really worried aobut it my bees.
[11:27] sasan_10029: do you think iam?
[11:27] Me: do I think you are what? I’m confused?
[11:27] Me: I’m just worried about my bees because there is nobody to care for them now.
[11:28] sasan_10029: what is that
[11:28] Me: bees?
[11:28] Me: they’re yellow and black things that buzz.
[11:28] Me: and make honey.
[11:28] Me: I’m a beekeeper.
[11:29] sasan_10029: oh i see
[11:29] sasan_10029: they are so sweet flys
[11:30] Me: so sweet. yes.
[11:30] Me: well, it is time for me to get my bandages changed.
[11:30] sasan_10029: you have a good job
[11:30] Me: I’ll see you. The nurse wants to take my laptop now.
[11:30] *** sasan_10029 has been ignored.

Mr. Goodman, my gift from God

While his love for me was obvious, in the end, it just didn’t work out. It’s not you, Frank, it’s me. Really.

His profile is blank. http://profiles.yahoo.com/mr_goodman_04gh

This chat is from August 2006

(Just a note about the *ding* — in Yahoo, it’s a BUZZ and in trillian – which I use most frequently – it’s a DING– in both places, it’s annoying as hell. Most asshats, I have found, love to use it. Imagine a toddler screaming “HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” and that pretty much sums up the BUZZ or DING.)

[12:36] mr_goodman_04gh: hello.
[12:36] Me: hi
[12:36] mr_goodman_04gh: cool
[12:37] Me: cool what?
[12:37] mr_goodman_04gh: how are you doing?
[12:37] Me: ok.
[12:37] mr_goodman_04gh: I am Frank
[12:37] mr_goodman_04gh: you
[12:37] mr_goodman_04gh: ?
[12:38] Me: You’re frank as in that’s your name, or as in you’re frank.
[12:38] mr_goodman_04gh: ia my real name okay
[12:39] Me: okee dokee
[12:39] mr_goodman_04gh: what about you dear
[12:39] Me: Eggsie
[12:39] mr_goodman_04gh: nice to meetsomeone like eggsie
[12:40] Me: oh really? Why is that?
[12:40] mr_goodman_04gh: `oh…ok
[12:40] Me: what are you talking about?
[12:41] mr_goodman_04gh: what do you for ling
[12:41] Me: I’m a beekeeper. What do you do?
[12:41] mr_goodman_04gh: Am a business man
[12:42] Me: ok.
[12:42] mr_goodman_04gh: i import and export goods to other countries
[12:42] Me: what sort of goods?
[12:43] mr_goodman_04gh: clothing,electronics…..
[12:43] mr_goodman_04gh: ect……..
[12:43] Me: ok. And what do you want with me, Frank?
[12:44] mr_goodman_04gh: okay that no problem…
[12:44] mr_goodman_04gh: are you married?
[12:45] Me: yes. Are you?
[12:45] mr_goodman_04gh: no
[12:45] mr_goodman_04gh: And do you staywith your husband?
[12:45] Me: duh. of course!
[12:46] mr_goodman_04gh: oooh, i c
[12:46] mr_goodman_04gh: that is cool
[12:46] Me: extremely
[12:46] Me: yes
[12:47] mr_goodman_04gh: well,iam looking for a someone who God has chosn for me
[12:47] Me: try looking in church.
[12:48] mr_goodman_04gh: lol,that is very funny
[12:48] Me: why?
[12:48] mr_goodman_04gh: iam looking for a woman
[12:48] mr_goodman_04gh: is that okay now….
[12:49] Me: what are you talking about.? “Is that okay now?”
[12:49] mr_goodman_04gh: have youunderstand about what i just said
[12:50] Me: apparently not
[12:50] Me: God wouldn’t chose me for you anyway. I’m an atheist.
[12:50] mr_goodman_04gh: ohh..take is this way…
[12:50] mr_goodman_04gh: why can’t God do that
[12:51] Me: What country do you live in, Mr. Goodman?
[12:51] mr_goodman_04gh: **== (<– this is apparently supposed to look like an American flag)
[12:51] mr_goodman_04gh: am frank okay
[12:51] Me: ok, Frank, what country do you live in?
[12:52] mr_goodman_04gh: from**== but now in canada
[12:53] mr_goodman_04gh: *ding*
[12:53] mr_goodman_04gh: there
[12:53] Me: from where?
[12:53] mr_goodman_04gh: usa
[12:53] Me: okay
[12:54] Me: well, I think God wants you to talk to someone else now. I just have the feeling.
[12:54] mr_goodman_04gh: yes and i think yo are the one
[12:55] Me: me? oh really? And why would that be?
[12:55] Me: you want to start importing and exporting bees?
[12:55] mr_goodman_04gh: yes
[12:55] Me: wow. Then it really is as though fate has brought us together.
[12:56] mr_goodman_04gh: yea
[12:56] mr_goodman_04gh: andi know you are going to like flower
[12:56] Me: I’m allergic to flowers.
[12:56] mr_goodman_04gh: okay
[12:57] mr_goodman_04gh: i wil like to surprise you
[12:58] mr_goodman_04gh: Dear are youthinking about what i just said
[12:58] mr_goodman_04gh: …
[12:59] Me: about how you’re going to surprise me?
[13:00] mr_goodman_04gh: yea
[13:00] mr_goodman_04gh: do you like it
[13:00] Me: Do I like what?
[13:00] mr_goodman_04gh: the surprise
[13:00] mr_goodman_04gh: i mean the flower
[13:01] Me: I thought I told you I was allergic.
[13:01] mr_goodman_04gh: ooh okay
[13:01] mr_goodman_04gh: that is okay
[13:01] Me: you know what? you are really rather annoying, Frank.
[13:02] mr_goodman_04gh: sorry okay
[13:02] mr_goodman_04gh: forgive me okay
[13:02] mr_goodman_04gh: ireally not hurt you
[13:02] Me: You’re not hurting me, you’re annoying me.
[13:03] mr_goodman_04gh: okay if you sa so
[13:03] mr_goodman_04gh: say
[13:03] Me: well, I have yet to see any point to anything you are saying.
[13:03] Me: if you want something from me, say it, otherwise go to church and get the woman god dropped off for you.
[13:04] mr_goodman_04gh: i love you dear
[13:04] Me: oh! Well, in that case, it’s different.
[13:05] mr_goodman_04gh: what
[13:05] mr_goodman_04gh: what case areon now
[13:05] Me: I didn’t realize you loved me. Wow. I feel special.
[13:05] mr_goodman_04gh: thanx
[13:05] mr_goodman_04gh: 😡
[13:08] mr_goodman_04gh: *ding*
[13:08] Me: don’t ding me.
[13:10] mr_goodman_04gh: k
[13:13] mr_goodman_04gh: *ding*
[13:13] mr_goodman_04gh: see you
[13:13] Me: no you wont
[13:13] mr_goodman_04gh: what………
[13:13] Me: You won’t see me
[13:14] mr_goodman_04gh: i will like to see you okay
[13:15] Me: I will like you to not see me okay

I could have had a wild horny cock

I never realized when I actually created a yahoo profile for my screen name that I would get to meet so many nice and interesting people simply by being online.

Ladies, this kind Turk is lonely and he’s not a pervert (even though his profile states that his occupation is “looking for sex”). Sadly, he quickly lost interest in me, but if you want him, you can have him.

This chat is from August 2006. His profile is still active and can been seen here http://profiles.yahoo.com/wildh0rnycock36

[14:45] wildh0rnycock36: hi

[14:45] Me: hello

[14:46] wildh0rnycock36: how r u?

[14:46] Me: fine. do I know you?

[14:46] wildh0rnycock36: i m 38 years old single and lonely man

[14:47] Me: well, if you are lonely, let me give you a little helpful advice.

[14:47] Me: if you are going to send unsolicited hello’s to women, you might want to use a screen name other than wildh0rnycock.

[14:47] Me: that kind of makes you look like a loser.

[14:48] wildh0rnycock36: it is a only screen name

[14:48] wildh0rnycock36: i was honest with it

[14:48] wildh0rnycock36: but

[14:48] Me: but what?

[14:48] Me: it still makes you look like a loser.

[14:48] wildh0rnycock36: i m not a pervert

[14:49] Me: you could have been honest and made your screen name “douchebagfromturkey”

[14:49] wildh0rnycock36: you are so polite

[14:49] Me: so are you, wild horny cock man

[14:49] wildh0rnycock36: ok

[14:49] wildh0rnycock36: have a nice day to you

[14:50] Me: nice day to you too.

See, we sort of broke up, but we’re still friends.

The Executive Wanted to Make Me Rich…

… and I blew it. Dammit!

This is the first time I actually decided to respond to one of these asshats. Not my best work, really, but not a bad start. This is pretty old — it dates back to August 2006.

[19:39] executive_1001: hello
[19:40] executive_1001: ok
[19:40] executive_1001: dear what are you doing
[19:41] executive_1001: how are you thier
[19:42] Me: who are you?
[19:42] executive_1001: love to here from you
[19:42] executive_1001: i saw your profile
[19:43] Me: I’m not looking to meet new people. but thanks.
[19:43] executive_1001: i am charles soludo
[19:43] executive_1001: central bank governor
[19:43] executive_1001: i have an information i whant to send o you
[19:44] executive_1001: dear
[19:44] Me: what information?
[19:45] executive_1001: i will like to ask you a qustion
[19:46] Me: ok. well ask.
[19:47] executive_1001: why are you so nice to me
[19:47] Me: Am I nice?
[19:47] executive_1001: you sound lovely
[19:47] Me: I’m a mute.
[19:48] executive_1001: realy
[19:48] Me: yes. really. I was born without a voicebox.
[19:48] executive_1001: why do you call your self mute
[19:48] executive_1001: dear
[19:49] Me: because I can’t talk, sweetiepoo
[19:49] executive_1001: ok
[19:49] executive_1001: dea can i see you
[19:50] Me: I don’t know. Can you?
[19:50] executive_1001: do you have a cam
[19:50] Me: Do you have a clue?
[19:51] executive_1001: no
[19:51] executive_1001: do not worry
[19:51] executive_1001: ok
[19:51] Me: I’m not worried. why would I worry?
[19:51] executive_1001: what do you for living
[19:51] Me: beekeeping.
[19:52] executive_1001: lovely
[19:52] executive_1001: can i have your email so that i can give you the information
[19:52] Me: no
[19:53] executive_1001: why
[19:53] executive_1001: dear
[19:53] Me: because
[19:53] Me: darling
[19:53] Me: if your information is as boring as you are I might die
[19:54] executive_1001: is a business proposal
[19:54] Me: about bees?
[19:54] executive_1001: no fund
[19:54] executive_1001: in our bank
[19:55] executive_1001: i am a central bank governor
[19:55] Me: no interest. I live, eat, sleep and dream bees. Bees are my life. I love bees.
[19:55] executive_1001: here in nigeria
[19:55] Me: ok. well, I’m bored to tears now.
[19:55] Me: bye
[19:55] executive_1001: let me give you the solid information
[19:56] executive_1001: if you see it you will happy
[19:56] Me: I’m already happy
[19:56] Me: happy with my bees
[19:56] executive_1001: i no
[19:56] Me: no, you don’t know.
[19:56] Me: if you knew my deep love for bees, you’d never try to temp me with the evilness of money
[19:57] executive_1001: ok can give you the information here
[19:58] executive_1001: CENTRAL BANK OF Nigeria FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS From the Desk Of: Prof. Charles C.Soludo Executive Governor (CBN) C102_SOLUDO@YAHOO.COM CORPORATE OFFICE:GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS PLEASE I WANT YOU TO BE SINGLE MINDED AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIER ARE SOMY CRIMINAL OUT THEIR THAT DON’T HAVE A JOB LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY THEY WILL STILL FROM:OK,,,, ATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR. CENTRAL BANK OF Nigeria FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS From the Desk Of: Prof. Charles C.Soludo Executive Governor (CBN) C102_SOLUDO@YAHOO.COM CORPORATE OFFICE:GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS PLEASE I WANT YOU TO BE SINGLE MINDED AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIER ARE SO
[19:58] executive_1001: I AM PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO, THE GOVERNOR CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN). I AND THE CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER (CSO) OF OUR BANK, HAVE ARRANGED WITH AN OFFICER IN THE COMPUTER SECTION, ENGINEER, ISSA BELLO, TO BRING PART OF YOUR TOTAL CONTRACT SUM AMOUNTING TO US$60M (SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS ONLY). WHY WE DID THIS IS BECAUSE ACCORDING TO INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE BANKS COMPUTER, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG TIME TO RECEIVE YOUR CONTRACT PAYMENT WITHOUT SUCCESS. AS WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MATE
[19:58] Me: oh for the love of God. What is this stupid shit you are blabbering on and on about?
[19:59] executive_1001: AS WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MATE ALL THE STATUTORY REQUIREMENTS OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) IN RESPECT OF YOUR PAYMENT, YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT OF INTEREST GROUPS. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR PAYMENT AS SOME WERE PURPORTEDLY ACTING AS YOUR SISTER COMPANY AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE MERELY DOING PAPER WORKS WITH YOU AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU RECEIVE FAX AND PHONE MESSAGES FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN NIGERIA EVERYDAY
[19:59] executive_1001: MORE SO, WE FOUND OUT THAT SOME OF THE OFFICIALS OF THE PARASTATALS HAVE BEEN EXTORTING A LOT OF MONEY FROM YOU WITH THE PRETEXT OF HELPING YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY BUT ALL IS TO NO AVAIL. I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MAY LAST FOR YEARS YET NOTHING WILL HAPPEN, IF YOU DO NOT DO AWAY WITH THOSE OFFICERS THAT YOU CALL YOUR PARTNERS, AND FOR SECURITY REASONS DO NOT TELL ANYBODY UNTIL YOU RECEIVE CASH AT YOUR DOORSTEP.
[19:59] executive_1001: NOW THE MONEY IS IN TWO SECURITY PROOF BOXES WEIGHING 98KG EACH, THAT IS 196KG FOR THE TWO BOXES.YESTERDAY WE WENT TO FOUR COURIER COMPANIES TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS ON HOW TO SHIP THE TWO BOXES BY COURIER TO YOU. D.H.L., E.M.S., FEDEX., UPS. ALL COURIER COMPANIES IN NIGERIA WANTS TO OPEN THE BOXES FOR INSPECTION BEFORE SHIPMENT. THIS IS SOMETHING WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE .
[19:59] executive_1001: WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE . WE TOLD THE COURIER COMPANIES THAT THE BOXES CONTAINED FILM MATERIALS AND WHEN OPEN WILL CAUSE DAMAGE TO THE MATERIALS (SPOIL). WE DID NOT DECLARE MONEY BECAUSE COURIER SERVICES DO NOT CARRY PHYSICAL CASH. I WILL SEND TO YOU THE KEYS TO OPEN THE BOXES BOTH THE OUTER AND INNER SECURITY CODE LOCK THROUGH ANOTHER COURIER COMPANY, THIS IS TO AVOID ANY INSPECTION IN ANY OF TRANSIT AIRPORT.A DIPLOMAT FRIEND OF MINE DISCLOSED
[20:00] executive_1001: TO ME THAT THERE IS A COURIER COMPANY THAT USE TO SEND DIPLOMATIC MATERIALS AND INFORMATION FROM ONE COUNTRY TO ANOTHER. THE COURIER COMPANY HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY AND THEY ARE NOT CHECKED BY ANY CUSTOMS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. THE NAME OF THE COMPANY IS (NOBLE DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICES) .
[20:00] executive_1001: I WILL MEET THEM AS SOON AS I HAVE YOUR GO AHEAD ORDER. THE DIPLOMAT WILL HELP ME SECURE THE VITAL PAPERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEM. WE HAVE CONCLUDED THAT YOU MUST COMPENSATE US WHEN THE TRANSACTION IS CONCLUDED. TO THIS EFFECT, YOU WILL SEND TO US A PROMISSORY NOTE ALONG WITH YOUR PRIVATE ADDRESS AS TO WHERE YOU WILL RECEIVE THE BOXES IN A SAFE CONDITION. PLEASE MAINTAIN TOP SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF EYEBROW IF DISCOVERED THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU. (my bold — see my reference later)
[20:00] executive_1001: PLEASE MAINTAIN TOP SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF EYEBROW IF DISCOVERED THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU. DO NOT TELL ANY BODY ABOUT THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR MONEY. I WANT TO HELP YOU BECAUSE SOMETHING IN ME TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE A HONEST PERSON.
[20:01] executive_1001: THIS IS THE BEGENING OF SUCCESS, AND I ALSO LEARN THAT WHEN ONE TAKE AN ACTION IN THE DIRECTION OF IS GOALS HE MEET SUCCESS IN COMMON HOURS,,,,,,,,,,SO LET US DO THIS PROJECT WITH LOVE AND FAITH.
[20:01] executive_1001: THE PROBLEM NOW IS THAT CAN YOU HANDLE THIS LOVELY PROJECT THAT WANT TO TAKE PLACE Your urgent answer is needed.
[20:01] executive_1001: Yours In Service PROF. CHARLES C.SOLUDO. EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA(CBN NOTE;THIS IS THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CODE CBN/2134ABZ)Remember to give this code any time you call me because of impersonation. and do call me as soon as you get this message.
[20:02] executive_1001: dear i whant us to do this proposal with trust
[20:02] Me: hang on a minute. I have to go feed my dogs and pigs.
[20:02] executive_1001: ok
[20:02] executive_1001: where are you now
[20:03] Me: I took my blackberry out to the pig pen
[20:03] executive_1001: ok
[20:03] executive_1001: why do love animals
[20:03] executive_1001: dear
[20:03] Me: they give me eyebrow
[20:04] executive_1001: ok
[20:04] executive_1001: can i trust you
[20:04] executive_1001: in this proposal
[20:04] Me: hang on the bees got out!
[20:04] executive_1001: ok
[20:04] Me: ouch!
[20:05] Me: I got stung on my eyebrow
[20:06] executive_1001: sorry
[20:06] Me: it hurt and then I tripped over a pig
[20:06] executive_1001: what about the proposal
[20:06] Me: what was the proposal again? can you repeat it?
[20:06] executive_1001: pleace i want you to take acction in this proposal that want to take
[20:06] Me: ok. yeah.
[20:06] Me: sure
[20:06] executive_1001: i have sent it to you
[20:06] Me: sent it where?
[20:07] executive_1001: ok
[20:07] executive_1001: can i have your email address so that i can send it now
[20:07] executive_1001: dear
[20:07] Me: no
[20:07] executive_1001: why
[20:07] Me: because my email is broken
[20:08] executive_1001: what happen
[20:08] Me: it tripped over a pig
[20:08] executive_1001: ok
[20:08] executive_1001: i have send you the information
[20:08] executive_1001: didn’t you see it
[20:09] Me: wait a minute there are bees all over my head!
[20:09] *** executive_1001 has been ignored.
Session Close (executive_1001): Thu Aug 03 20:09:40 2006