I’m Going to Get Arrested!!!

Ohnoz!!! It seems as thought I’ve gone and messed with the wrong Nigerian Scammer (don’t let the reference to being in the UK fool you – heh). I was just doing my thing and being a smart ass and now I have to spend my days wondering when the FBI is going to show up at my door and arrest me. Of all the dumb luck…

This chat took place April 18, 2008… Gonna run and hide now…

[21:39] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Hello i am Lauren Dickson form england .We are looking for Representatives in the United States who will work as a part-time worker,and we are willing to pay you $300 – $600 per week (depending on how fast you work) So if you wish to know what the job consist do reply me. Thanks
[21:40] ME:: wow. Awesome. I’m always snorting coke so I can work REALLY fast.
[21:41] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Do u want to know what the job consist now ?
[21:41] ME:: oh, shit yeah! Lay it on me!
[21:42] ME:: brb – my dealer’s at the door
[21:42] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Ok
[21:42] ME:: ok. thanks for waiting. Got my fix. So what’s the 411?
[21:42] *** lauren_dickson_boh2000 has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[21:43] *** You have denied access to lauren_dickson_boh2000.
[21:43] ME:: why do I have to add you? Tell me what the job is first.
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: what do u mean 411 ?
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: becoz i think u might be long
[21:43] ME:: the low-down, the skinny, the story, the news, the info
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: that why
[21:43] ME:: I’m not long. I’m really quite short
[21:43] lauren_dickson_boh2000: since u said that u will brb
[21:43] ME:: 5’2″ to be exact
[21:43] ME:: I’m back
[21:44] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Well we are located at uk 14 Penryn Avenue St Helens Merseyside WA11 9EX, United Kingdom.We are an orphanage home.We have people and organisation who want to donate to our orphanage home ( Bottomley Home Orphanage )and the donation are bein made out to us in check …
[21:45] ME:: so you need me to secure you some orphans?
[21:45] lauren_dickson_boh2000: The check will be mail out to ur destinition,if u know that u are willing to work with us as our company Rep,so all u gotta do is for u to reciecve the check …
[21:45] ME:: wow! That sounds so easy!
[21:45] ME:: and so legit!
[21:45] ME:: cool
[21:45] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Then you cash the check, and take 20% of the money and send the balance to us via western union money transfer with eas..
[21:45] ME:: it just keeps getting better and better!
[21:46] lauren_dickson_boh2000: But first i got a minor question to ask u,and i beleive u are gonna respond with ease …
[21:46] ME:: ooh, I can’t wait
[21:46] ME:: I like minor questions
[21:46] lauren_dickson_boh2000: can i trust u with our company money that’s gonna be mail out to u ?
[21:47] ME:: probably not. 😦
[21:47] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Why ???
[21:47] ME:: becaues I’m a crack head
[21:47] lauren_dickson_boh2000: So u aren’t a trust worthy some
[21:47] ME:: not really. Are you?
[21:47] lauren_dickson_boh2000: I’m a honest person
[21:48] lauren_dickson_boh2000: and i can be trusted
[21:48] ME:: No doubt
[21:48] ME:: you seem that way
[21:48] lauren_dickson_boh2000: so my compnay entrust me
[21:48] ME:: not like all the fucking Nigerians. I’m glad you’re english.
[21:48] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Well all u gotta provide to get started is :
[21:49] lauren_dickson_boh2000: 1. Your Names (Which will be on the check) 2. Your Address (Where the check would be sent) 3. Your Home and cellphone Number 4. Your Email Address
[21:49] ME:: coming right up, hotstuff.
[21:51] ME:: 1. Magdelina Hagdelina Ooomptonkawonkatonka 2. 123 Fuckoffyouidiot Street, Nowheresville, XY 12345 3. I have no phone because I sold it for crack 4. bitemyasshole@hotmail.com
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: oh…okay
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Magdelina
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Hagdelina
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Ooomp
[21:52] lauren_dickson_boh2000: tonka
[21:53] lauren_dickson_boh2000: wonkatonka
[21:53] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Fuck
[21:53] ME:: are you going to say “YOU” or just leave me in suspense
[21:53] lauren_dickson_boh2000: Fuck off you idiot street
[21:54] lauren_dickson_boh2000: No wheres ville
[21:54] lauren_dickson_boh2000: is that all ur address info
[21:54] lauren_dickson_boh2000: i got it …
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: FBI will be visiting u for wasting my time
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: and u are also mocking my company
[21:55] ME:: HAHAHAHHAHAHA
[21:55] ME:: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA
[21:55] ME:: HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA
[21:55] ME:: hahahhaha (I am laughing to mask my fear, of course)
[21:55] ME:: PLEASE call the FBI
[21:55] ME:: thanks!
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: fuck uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[21:55] ME:: My story was more honest than yours.
[21:55] ME:: lol
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: ass hole
[21:55] ME:: you are funny
[21:55] lauren_dickson_boh2000: i saved all our conversation
[21:56] ME:: GOOD!
[21:56] lauren_dickson_boh2000: fuck
[21:56] ME:: thanks!
[21:57] ME:: Have a great night, Toots!

Tag-Teaming the Scammer

I had a bit of a good time with this particular scammer. Such a good time, in fact, that I allowed a friend of mine to chat with this guy as well. He was jealous that all the scammers contacted me and never him. I have his post with this guy/girl/whatever included as well – he’s good at it – I wish more scammers would contact him.

On the ID I used for this chat, I have the name “Eggsie Klevinger” in my profile. The chat took place on Dec 3, 2007.

[12:40] barristeraireen: Hell, Eggsie??
[12:40] *** Auto-response sent to barristeraireen: I am currently away from the computer.
[12:59] Me: hell?
[13:00] barristeraireen: you are Eggsie Klevinger ???
[13:00] barristeraireen: i am mrs aireen
[13:01] barristeraireen: i got your email id direct from yahoo memeber company i was told to contact you
[13:01] barristeraireen: *BUZZ*
[13:03] Me: oh, wonderful. Yes, This is indeed Eggsie Klevinger. How may I help you?
[13:04] barristeraireen: Good
[13:04] barristeraireen: *Me*@yahoo.com
[13:04] barristeraireen: correct for more detail
[13:04] barristeraireen: we have good news for you
[13:04] Me: Good news? That’s great. I could use some good news.
[13:05] Me: What is it?
[13:05] barristeraireen: Yep
[13:05] barristeraireen: this is your email address
[13:06] Me: well, of course. You must have some really great online investigators working for you as you have been correct on all counts so far.
[13:06] barristeraireen: *BUZZ*
[13:06] barristeraireen: your email address pls
[13:06] Me: you already told me what it is and I told you are are correct.
[13:07] Me: I should warn you, I am a homicidal maniac and whever someone hits that BUZZ thing, I get the urge to murder people.
[13:07] barristeraireen: Ok
[13:07] Me: so please don’t use that any more as there is a nurse nearby who’s just askin’ for a killing if you know what I mean.
[13:07] barristeraireen: check your email box
[13:07] barristeraireen: right now and get back to me
[13:07] Me: you are a bit bossy.
[13:08] Me: I have received no email.
[13:08] Me: maybe it takes a while to get here from Nigeria, yes?
[13:08] barristeraireen: try and check
[13:09] Me: I have checked again and again I have found no email from you.
[13:10] Me: this is most unfortunate.
[13:11] Me: Perhaps I should have my financial benefactor contact you later on today. He is quite wealthy and handles all my finances for me, and for a small sexual fee, provides me with financial stability for myself and my growing family.
[13:11] barristeraireen: i c
[13:12] barristeraireen: but did you received my email right nw
[13:12] Me: no, I have recieved no emails. ßactually, not true
[13:12] barristeraireen: ok
[13:12] barristeraireen: wanna email it right here for you
[13:12] Me: that would be fine
[13:12] barristeraireen: There is an account that has remained dormant for some years now with Diamond Bank Plc valued the sum of $250.000.00 which I am the account manager. The account holder died on the 25th of July 2000 with his wife and their only two Children in an automobile accident.
[13:13] barristeraireen: I am writing you, so that we can work together to remit the money to you as the next of kin since you have the same last name with him before they get declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge Deposit was lodged. This money belongs to a foreigner and has to be claim by a foreigner; no one will ever come forward to claim it.
[13:13] barristeraireen: Our Bank has issued me a notice as the account Manager to the Deceased to provide his Next of Kin or have the fund declared as an UNCLAIMED FUND within the Next 15 official working days.
[13:13] barristeraireen: All I need is a trustworthy, faithful and honest partner to execute this transaction, since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 5 years now that I have been searching. I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin to the Deceased since you are a foreigner like him so that the proceeds of this Bank Account can be paid out in your favor
[13:13] barristeraireen: There is no risk involved and I guarantee this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will not breach the law by both parties; it is simple process that will take a very short while to process. I have all the necessary legal documents that will be used to back up any claim we are going to make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through.
[13:14] Me: Ooh, the infamous Klevinger Family Fortune!!! Yes, I would be quite happy to help you out, particularly since there is no risk to me!
[13:14] Me: However, as I reside in a mental institution, I feel it would be in everyone’s best interest if my financial benefactor handles this transaction for me.
[13:15] barristeraireen: did you read my message right npw
[13:15] Me: Will you be in the office this evening, that is to say in approximately 5 hours (as I’m sure you are in a completely different time zone)
[13:15] *** barristeraireen has added you to their contact list. You may choose to accept or deny this action. You may also add this user to your contact list or ignore this user.
[13:16] barristeraireen: *BUZZ*
[13:16] Me: The hospital facility computers do not allow me to add friends to my yahoo list as it is against the orders of my psychiatrist. May I simply refer your screen name to my benefactor?
[13:16] barristeraireen: You will keep 50% of the total fund on final conclusion of this project, while the rest shall be for me. Your share stays with you while the rest shall be for me for investment purposes in your country.
[13:16] Me: Oh, you buzzed. Hang on, gotta go murder someone.
[13:16] barristeraireen: k
[13:16] barristeraireen: am sorry for that
[13:16] barristeraireen: i will not buzz you again
[13:17] Me: ah, sweet blood that stains my fingers, how I do love thy taste!
[13:17] Me: anyway, I would love to do business wiht you but I’m afraid I must refer you to my benefactor. You will like him, he’s quite gullible as am I.
[13:17] Me: He is the heir o the *FRED* Industries fortune.
[13:17] barristeraireen: good
[13:18] Me: will you be in your office in 5 or 6 hours so that he might contact you?
[13:18] barristeraireen: yep
[13:18] barristeraireen: i will here ok
[13:18] Me: excellent.
[13:18] Me: I will tell him to mention my name to you when he contacts you.
[13:18] barristeraireen: good
[13:18] Me: they are coming after me now for my electric shock therapy.
[13:19] barristeraireen: good
[13:19] Me: I will pass the message on to him.
[13:19] barristeraireen: good
[13:19] barristeraireen: did you received my email right now
[13:19] barristeraireen: to enable him to email me

Here I just went invisible like they orderlies just snatched me away.

Later on, I gave this scammer my friend’s yahoo id. Here is my remaining portion of the chat followed by “Fred’s” chat.

[22:09] barristeraireen: hwllo
[22:09] barristeraireen: hwllo
[22:09] Me: ah, yes. hello. Please hold.
[22:12] Me: thank you for holding. I just got through to my benefactor.
[22:12] Me: he will speak to you now.
[22:12] Me: His YIM name is *FRED*
[22:12] barristeraireen: k
[22:12] barristeraireen: k
[22:17] barristeraireen: am with him
[22:18] Me: wonderful.
[22:32] barristeraireen: can understand what he saying
[22:32] barristeraireen: saying you owes him $250,000.00
[22:33] Me: no! he said the sex would cover that!
[22:34] barristeraireen: are you ok
[22:34] Me: why do you ask?
[22:35] barristeraireen: the way both of you sound like
[22:35] Me: I don’t understand.
[22:36] Me: I, personally, am insane. that can’t be helped. You kill three people and they turn your brains to mush with electrodes and lobotomies. But he is very wealthy and takes care of me.
[22:36] barristeraireen: can understand what you and him trying to say
[22:38] barristeraireen: k

Fred’s chat:

To be continued, part deux

[21:09] barristeraireen: YIM
[21:09] barristeraireen: hello
[21:09] FRED:: howdy mate
[21:09] barristeraireen: good to have you online
[21:10] FRED:: it’s good to be had isn’t it?
[21:10] barristeraireen: i was told to contact you on behlaf of eggs
[21:11] barristeraireen: yep
[21:11] barristeraireen: about $250.000.00
[21:11] barristeraireen: that about to transfer to Eggsie Klevinger
[21:11] barristeraireen: did she informed you everythings
[21:11] FRED:: $250,000.00?? is that US or Euro?
[21:12] FRED:: cause I only deal with the dollar mate
[21:13] barristeraireen: us $
[21:14] FRED:: oh that’s bloody smashing
[21:14] barristeraireen: the account holder is my client and his no more
[21:14] barristeraireen: and Eggsie Klevinger have same name with him…
[21:14] barristeraireen: i have all document with me .. that will be change to her name
[21:14] FRED:: she does??
[21:14] FRED:: I told her that was a lucky name
[21:15] FRED:: my old dingo was named Klevinger
[21:15] barristeraireen: good
[21:15] barristeraireen: your age
[21:16] FRED:: I’m 49 but with the conversion rate it’s about 42 US years
[21:16] barristeraireen: nice
[21:16] FRED:: how old are you?
[21:17] FRED:: I need me a good solid wife
[21:17] barristeraireen: right now…. …35yrs old lady
[21:17] FRED:: she’s gotta be sturdy enough to walk the outback with me tho
[21:17] barristeraireen: i am a lawyer
[21:17] FRED:: a lawyer??
[21:17] FRED:: I hates me some lawyers
[21:18] FRED:: a lawyer ran over my dingo and killed him
[21:18] barristeraireen: ioh… why
[21:18] FRED:: he was racing his kangaroo and he fell off in the turn
[21:19] FRED:: the roo kept going and jumped the fence and landed on my dingo
[21:20] barristeraireen: k
[21:20] barristeraireen: so what going on right now
[21:20] barristeraireen: its about how is going to received the money
[21:21] FRED:: money? I don’t need any money, I got more money than most backwater south african countries
[21:21] FRED:: hell, I own a cocoa plantation over there
[21:21] barristeraireen: this is for real
[21:22] FRED:: you ever hear of Freddo Frog’s?
[21:22] barristeraireen: ic
[21:22] barristeraireen: i means how she going to received the money
[21:23] FRED:: my daddy, God rest his soul, founded them
[21:23] barristeraireen: i means how she going to received the money
[21:24] FRED:: I would guess you’re gonna send her a check, right?
[21:24] barristeraireen: no
[21:25] FRED:: well then how she going to received the money?
[21:25] barristeraireen: the money going to be transfer to her now that she have same name with the late account holder becs i was told to contact her direct from yahoo memebr company
[21:25] FRED:: ok, so just wire her the money then
[21:26] FRED:: I know she’s waiting for it
[21:26] FRED:: plus, she owes me $250,000.00
[21:26] barristeraireen: Good
[21:27] barristeraireen: i have ro change all document to her… this will enable her to start up communication online with diamond bank plc
[21:27] FRED:: she tried to buy ocean front property in Oklahoma
[21:27] barristeraireen: on how the money going to be transfer
[21:28] FRED:: so what do you need me for?
[21:29] barristeraireen: your name and account name
[21:30] FRED:: why do you need my name?
[21:32] barristeraireen: i means sorry her full name and address
[21:33] FRED:: oh okEggsie
[21:33] FRED:: Ms. Eggsie Klevinger
[21:33] barristeraireen: bank account
[21:34] FRED:: 666 N. Bellvue Way
[21:34] barristeraireen: and home address
[21:34] FRED:: Bellvue Institution, Ward 33
[21:34] FRED:: New York, NY 10110
[21:35] FRED:: she dont have no bank account
[21:35] FRED:: I pay for everything for her
[21:35] barristeraireen: oh… she have to open 1
[21:35] FRED:: they don’t let criminally insane people do that
[21:35] FRED:: the last time she went into a bank she ate the bank managers face
[21:36] FRED:: that’s why they’ve got her locked up
[21:37] barristeraireen: k
[21:37] barristeraireen: but can be change to your account and name
[21:37] FRED:: my last name isn’t the same though?
[21:38] barristeraireen: means nothing
[21:38] barristeraireen: i will change all document to your name
[21:39] FRED:: I don’t need no more money
[21:39] FRED:: $250,000.00 is nothing at all to me
[21:40] barristeraireen: k
[21:40] FRED:: I own a cocoa plantation in Ghana
[21:41] FRED:: cheap labor and they work hard
[21:41] barristeraireen: k
[21:41] FRED:: make a lot of money for me
[21:41] barristeraireen: k
[21:41] FRED:: I could probably use a good lawyer working there for me
[21:41] FRED:: do you want a job?
[21:44] barristeraireen: brb
[21:46] FRED:: well? Do you want a job or not?
[21:47] barristeraireen: go and sleep
[21:47] FRED:: it’s morning here in Sydney mate
[21:49] barristeraireen: not sure you are OK
[21:50] FRED:: why don’t you think I am mate?

Lying About Dying: ‘Rose Peters’ is a Stupid Bitch

I hate scammers. I really do. “Rose Peters” here is, unfortunately, lying. This chat took place in November 2007.

[12:52] r_peters52: hi
[12:52] *** Auto-response sent to r_peters52: In and out — but more out than in. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on an innie.
[12:52] r_peters52: u there?
[12:54] r_peters52: I am Mrs Rose Peters,I am 55years old,i am deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast which also affected my brain,from all indications my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that, according to my doctors they have advised me that i may not live for the next two months,this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage.I was brought up from a motherless baby home, was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child.My husband died in a fatal motor accident.Before his death we were true Christians.Since his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inheritted belongings and deposited all the sum of $4.8million dollars with a Security Company.
[12:54] Me: oh. too bad . well, have a nice death.
[12:55] r_peters52: Presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money for keeping it so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness or they get it confisticated.Presently, I’m with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for cancer of the lungs. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization,the poor and the motherless babies home where i come from.I want you God fearing, to also use this money to fund churches,orphanages
[12:56] Me: Oh, gee. Thanks, but dying people really scare me. You’re giving me the willies.
[12:56] r_peters52: ya
[12:57] r_peters52: so can be my next of kin?
[12:58] Me: but you’re dying. I don’t really want anything to do with you. The stink of death is already entering my computer through this IM box. Be gone, dying thing.
[12:58] r_peters52: oh
[12:59] r_peters52: u dont have to worry abt that
[12:59] r_peters52: i
[13:00] Me: did you just die while you were talking to me? That’s just great. Fucking dying people.
[13:00] r_peters52: I shall give you the contact of the Security Company.I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of my fund.
[13:00] Me: Why the fuck would I want to pretend I’m related to a dying old geezer like you?
[13:01] Me: Oh, and praise be on your non-death and all.
[13:02] r_peters52: wht are u talking abt..can u take it ?
[13:02] Me: take what?
[13:03] r_peters52: invested to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization,the poor and the motherless babie
[13:04] r_peters52: the money
[13:04] Me: I don’t want your money. I have 3.5 million in my savings account right now and you can bet your ass I’m not donating it to any babies. How do you think I ended up with so much money to begin with?
[13:06] r_peters52: it mean nothin to me
[13:06] r_peters52: bye then
[13:06] Me: If you see a white light — go into it!
[13:07] r_peters52: dont worry
[13:07] r_peters52: i guse u will eat the money
[13:07] Me: the hell you say! I eat sushi!

Another Money-Making Opportunity Squandered

This one is pretty long. It’s another Nigerian money scammer. Do these guys actually have success sometimes?? It’s mind-boggling, really. IN the end, I passed this guy off to a friend of mine who kept him busy with ridiculous chats for another couple days. Unfortunately, I no longer have those logs. This is from December 2006.

[15:17] derrycrawler: hello
[15:17] derrycrawler: are u there?
[15:17] Me: hello. who are you?
[15:18] derrycrawler: I am Derry, I am sorry if I interrupt ur privacy
[15:18] Me: and what do you want from me, Derry?
[15:19] derrycrawler: To be my friend if u dont mind
[15:19] derrycrawler: auh
[15:19] Me: Why would you want ME to be your friend?
[15:19] Me: I’m mean.
[15:19] derrycrawler: I just saw ur pic in pro
[15:19] Me: and I looked like I’d be nice?
[15:19] derrycrawler: U look so cute
[15:19] derrycrawler: definately
[15:20] Me: well, then, looks are deceiving. I’m EVIL.
[15:20] derrycrawler: I know u are a good one
[15:20] derrycrawler: I guess u dont wanna prove me wrong
[15:20] derrycrawler: lol:D
[15:20] Me: I don’t understand your question. but I’ll laugh with you. LOL
[15:20] derrycrawler: whatever
[15:21] Me: hahaha, Derry, did you just tell me “whatever?”
[15:21] derrycrawler: Ur husband must be a lucky man
[15:21] derrycrawler: yeah
[15:21] derrycrawler: He must really be a lucky man
[15:21] Me: yeah, I just showed him that and he said, “Yeah, right, I’m so lucky” and he totally didn’t mean it
[15:21] derrycrawler: What is Horoscope?
[15:22] Me: it’s this astrological thing.
[15:22] derrycrawler: ok
[15:22] derrycrawler: What is ur name damsel???
[15:23] Me: Funny you should say that. My name is Damsel.
[15:23] derrycrawler: lol
[15:23] derrycrawler: Just kidding
[15:23] Me: just kidding about what?
[15:24] derrycrawler: At 36, u are really beautiful….I wonder how u would look like at 26
[15:24] derrycrawler: Angel I think
[15:24] derrycrawler: ?=))?
[15:24] Me: uhm, sure.
[15:24] derrycrawler: That’s good
[15:24] derrycrawler: I am Derry by name as u know
[15:25] derrycrawler: And I think it wouldnt be nice u hidding urs from me
[15:25] Me: Eggsie.
[15:25] derrycrawler: ok…I saw that on pro but aignt sure of that
[15:25] Me: why?
[15:26] Me: something weird about my name?
[15:26] derrycrawler: u are aignt what if u dont mind?..
[15:26] derrycrawler: nothing
[15:26] Me: I have no idea what you are talking about.
[15:26] derrycrawler: I am asking about ur surname
[15:27] Me: what about it.
[15:27] derrycrawler: Just wanna know
[15:27] derrycrawler: But if u dont wanna tell me
[15:27] Me: Klevinger. Geesh.
[15:27] derrycrawler: no prob
[15:27] Me: why? Do you want to mail me money or something?
[15:28] derrycrawler: why that question, have anybody ever don that to you?
[15:28] Me: yeah. people mail me money all the time.
[15:29] derrycrawler: do u requested dor it?
[15:29] derrycrawler: for it i mean
[15:29] derrycrawler: ?
[15:29] Me: no. They just like me and send me money.
[15:29] derrycrawler: ok
[15:29] derrycrawler: Before that
[15:29] derrycrawler: I will like to know u first
[15:30] derrycrawler: I mean get to know u for real
[15:30] Me: what? You want to know me and then you want to mail me money too?
[15:30] Me: everybody wants to give me their damn money. I should just quit my job.
[15:30] derrycrawler: no no no
[15:30] derrycrawler: I think u are getting something wrong
[15:31] Me: what? you want me to send YOU money?
[15:31] derrycrawler: I am an honest man which I dont allow people to go astray
[15:31] derrycrawler: have u sent any before
[15:31] derrycrawler: ?
[15:31] Me: just to the needy
[15:31] derrycrawler: ok
[15:31] derrycrawler: Which country is that u sent money to?
[15:31] Me: Nigeria
[15:32] derrycrawler: ok
[15:32] derrycrawler: how much?
[15:32] Me: just a few hundred dollars. not a lot.
[15:32] derrycrawler: wait
[15:32] derrycrawler: I have limited time to go now
[15:32] derrycrawler: I will be back soon…but can I have ur phone number
[15:32] derrycrawler: so that I can reach u on phone now
[15:32] Me: no
[15:33] derrycrawler: I need to tell u some things
[15:33] Me: tell me here or don’t tell me.
[15:33] derrycrawler: which I believed u dont know
[15:33] Me: we only have a cell phone and my husband has it now
[15:33] derrycrawler: ok
[15:33] derrycrawler: what about the home phone?
[15:33] Me: we don’t have a home phone.
[15:33] Me: why would we need one if we have a cell phone?
[15:34] derrycrawler: just to call u on phone
[15:34] Me: nope. Besides, I’m hoarse.
[15:34] derrycrawler: Atleast hear that angelic voice of urs
[15:34] Me: nope. I was busy screaming into the wind last night.
[15:34] derrycrawler: what happened?
[15:35] Me: the wind came and I screamed into it and now i’m hoarse.
[15:35] derrycrawler: why are u screaming?what was the cuz
[15:35] derrycrawler: oh i c
[15:35] derrycrawler: have u been sent any cheque for cash payment before….?
[15:36] Me: no. why?
[15:36] derrycrawler: Just asking
[15:36] derrycrawler: I have a client that want to pay me with cheque
[15:36] derrycrawler: he is in the state
[15:36] derrycrawler: which I am not
[15:36] derrycrawler: I dont know if u can assist on that
[15:36] derrycrawler: ?
[15:36] Me: Sure, why not.
[15:37] Me: what do you need me to do?
[15:37] derrycrawler: uhmmm
[15:37] derrycrawler: can i trust u on that and what about ur husband?
[15:37] Me: we have our own monies.
[15:38] Me: you can trust me.
[15:39] Me: did you leave?
[15:40] Me: Oh well. I guess so. see you later.
[15:41] Me: if you have more information, email it to me at Me@yahoo.com thanks!

[09:44] derrycrawler: hi [Offline Message (Tue Dec 19 08:18:42 2006)]
[09:44] derrycrawler: are u there? [Offline Message (Tue Dec 19 08:18:52 2006)]
[09:59] derrycrawler: hello
[09:59] *** Auto-response sent to derrycrawler: I am currently idle.
[09:59] *** “derrycrawler” signed on at Tue Dec 19 09:59:35 2006.
[09:59] derrycrawler: are u there?
[09:59] derrycrawler: can we talk now or u are busy?
[10:00] derrycrawler:
[10:01] *** “derrycrawler” signed off at Tue Dec 19 10:01:11 2006.
[10:04] *** “derrycrawler” signed on at Tue Dec 19 10:04:19 2006.
[10:04] derrycrawler: hello
[10:04] Me: I’m here now.
[10:04] derrycrawler: ok
[10:05] Me: well, what do you want?
[10:06] derrycrawler: we are talking about the check
[10:06] Me: oh yes, the check. What did you need me to do?
[10:07] derrycrawler: I was just asking u if anybody have ever sent you a cheque for payment?
[10:07] Me: no.
[10:07] Me: why?
[10:08] derrycrawler: just asking
[10:08] derrycrawler: Which state are u in?
[10:08] Me: Nebraska
[10:08] derrycrawler: I think I am forgetting something which I think u need to know
[10:08] derrycrawler: I am from in Nigeria…I guess u dont mind about that?
[10:09] Me: Why would I mind?
[10:09] derrycrawler: ok
[10:09] derrycrawler: Good of you…many Americans do not like talking to somebody from Africa…
[10:09] derrycrawler: I dont know why many Americans do racism
[10:10] Me: Well, I can’t imagine why anyone would feel that way. It’s not like you’re a bad guy.
[10:10] derrycrawler: yeah
[10:10] derrycrawler: Have u ever had a sad experience about this online stuff
[10:11] Me: uhm, no. Have you?
[10:11] derrycrawler: yeah….
[10:11] Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
[10:11] derrycrawler: its ok
[10:11] Me: I have to run right now. I have 7 kids and it’s time for me to make their lunch. you can just email me the particulars on how I can help you.
[10:12] derrycrawler: I was duped of a money worth $15,000
[10:12] derrycrawler: I will like to discuss that with you on phone
[10:12] Me: I don’t talk on phones. I’m sorry.
[10:12] derrycrawler: Can u give me ur home address so that I can get you a phone
[10:12] derrycrawler: That is really easy for me
[10:13] Me: You want to send me a phone? I have a phone, I just don’t like to talk on it. (I screwed up here — I should have let him send one)
[10:13] derrycrawler: Thats not too good
[10:13] derrycrawler: I will like us to establish a real trust worthy relationship
[10:13] Me: besides, my husband might get mad if I’m getting calls from Nigeria. He says I give too much money to poor people in Nigeria.
[10:14] derrycrawler: I am different either
[10:14] derrycrawler: I have my own money
[10:14] derrycrawler: I do a business with I get my money from
[10:15] Me: well, then, maybe you should talk to him first so he doesn’t get mad that I’m getting phone calls from you — he’ll see the number on the cell phone bill.
[10:15] derrycrawler: ok..
[10:15] derrycrawler: how do I contact him then
[10:15] derrycrawler: and hope he wouldn’t be mad at me
[10:15] Me: Let me ask him if he’ll talk to you first… hang on.
[10:16] derrycrawler: Ok
[10:16] Me: No he doesn’t want to talk to you.
[10:16] Me: I have to go. My kids need me.
[10:16] derrycrawler: ok
[10:16] derrycrawler: can u get me ur home address…
[10:16] Me: just email me — I’m not online too often.
[10:16] derrycrawler: So that I can sent you something
[10:17] derrycrawler: atleast for a xmas gift
[10:17] Me: 1023 Uranassole Street
[10:17] Me: Omaha, NE 52691
[10:17] derrycrawler: Recipient name:
[10:17] Me: Eggsie Klevinger
[10:18] Me: I have to go
[10:18] derrycrawler: ok, I got that
[10:18] derrycrawler: I am sorry if I am takne much of ur time
[10:18] derrycrawler: But I will like to talk to your husband been the head of the family
[10:19] derrycrawler: to permitt me have a good friendship with the family
[10:20] derrycrawler: *BUZZ*
[10:20] Me: I told you I’m making lunch.
[10:20] derrycrawler: ok…
[10:20] derrycrawler: I am still online
[10:20] Me: fascinating
[10:21] derrycrawler: Get back to me when u are through with that
[10:21] Me: I will be busy all day. I have 7 kids and I home school them.
[10:21] derrycrawler: ok
[10:21] derrycrawler: U have cam..so that I can just see u
[10:21] derrycrawler: For a min
[10:21] derrycrawler: its ok by me
[10:21] Me: I don’t have one – -sorry
[10:22] Me: I’m going now. bye.
[10:22] derrycrawler: ok

[12:20] derrycrawler: are u back?
[12:20] *** Auto-response sent to derrycrawler: I am currently idle.
[12:20] derrycrawler: are u back?
[12:20] derrycrawler: *BUZZ*
[12:21] Me: I’m here but just for a couple minutes.
[12:21] derrycrawler: ok
[12:22] Me: ok. go ahead and mail me a phone and then we can talk. My husband doesn’t want me talking to you on our phone.
[12:22] derrycrawler: i tried validating ur address but it can not be located
[12:22] Me: It’s a new housing development.
[12:23] derrycrawler: iya eeeeeee
[12:23] Me: Our whole neighborhood was just built in the last few months.
[12:23] derrycrawler: But the zip is also different
[12:23] Me: its a new zip code
[12:24] derrycrawler: uhmmmm….ok
[12:24] derrycrawler: I can only send u something if I can see u on cam or either hear your voice on phone…
[12:25] Me: why? That’s retarded
[12:25] derrycrawler: U know many deceive here on internet
[12:25] Me: You don’t say!
[12:25] derrycrawler: what>
[12:25] derrycrawler: ?
[12:26] Me: Oh never mind. Now you are on my nerves. You asked me for help and I said I’d help you and then you looked up my address and made accusatoins and I’m offended.
[12:27] Me: I’m going to ignore you now
[12:27] derrycrawler: I am not saying u are one of them but I just have to be sure
[12:27] derrycrawler: U know that once beaten twice shy
[12:27] derrycrawler: I have been duped before
[12:27] derrycrawler: and I dont want that to happened to me no more
[12:28] Me: ok then. Goodbye. Because I don’t have a cam and my husband won’t let me talk on the phone with you on our phone so there is no point in furthering this conversation.
[12:28] derrycrawler: whatever
[12:28] Me: What-EVAH!!!!
[12:29] derrycrawler: yeah
[12:29] Me: You know what I think? I think you are a liar.
[12:30] derrycrawler: se mo ko ila ni?
[12:30] Me: WHAT?
[12:30] derrycrawler: nothing
[12:30] Me: se me ko ila ni?
[12:30] Me: what does that mean?
[12:30] derrycrawler: that is just an African language
[12:31] Me: Look, I’m sorry. I flew off the handle. I do have a friend that would probably be willing to help you.
[12:31] derrycrawler: ok
[12:31] derrycrawler: who is that?
[12:31] derrycrawler: he or she got phone?
[12:31] Me: her Yahoo id is *edited*
[12:32] derrycrawler: ok
[12:33] Me: Hasta la vista, se me ko ila ni!
[12:33] *** derrycrawler has been ignored.

The Executive Wanted to Make Me Rich…

… and I blew it. Dammit!

This is the first time I actually decided to respond to one of these asshats. Not my best work, really, but not a bad start. This is pretty old — it dates back to August 2006.

[19:39] executive_1001: hello
[19:40] executive_1001: ok
[19:40] executive_1001: dear what are you doing
[19:41] executive_1001: how are you thier
[19:42] Me: who are you?
[19:42] executive_1001: love to here from you
[19:42] executive_1001: i saw your profile
[19:43] Me: I’m not looking to meet new people. but thanks.
[19:43] executive_1001: i am charles soludo
[19:43] executive_1001: central bank governor
[19:43] executive_1001: i have an information i whant to send o you
[19:44] executive_1001: dear
[19:44] Me: what information?
[19:45] executive_1001: i will like to ask you a qustion
[19:46] Me: ok. well ask.
[19:47] executive_1001: why are you so nice to me
[19:47] Me: Am I nice?
[19:47] executive_1001: you sound lovely
[19:47] Me: I’m a mute.
[19:48] executive_1001: realy
[19:48] Me: yes. really. I was born without a voicebox.
[19:48] executive_1001: why do you call your self mute
[19:48] executive_1001: dear
[19:49] Me: because I can’t talk, sweetiepoo
[19:49] executive_1001: ok
[19:49] executive_1001: dea can i see you
[19:50] Me: I don’t know. Can you?
[19:50] executive_1001: do you have a cam
[19:50] Me: Do you have a clue?
[19:51] executive_1001: no
[19:51] executive_1001: do not worry
[19:51] executive_1001: ok
[19:51] Me: I’m not worried. why would I worry?
[19:51] executive_1001: what do you for living
[19:51] Me: beekeeping.
[19:52] executive_1001: lovely
[19:52] executive_1001: can i have your email so that i can give you the information
[19:52] Me: no
[19:53] executive_1001: why
[19:53] executive_1001: dear
[19:53] Me: because
[19:53] Me: darling
[19:53] Me: if your information is as boring as you are I might die
[19:54] executive_1001: is a business proposal
[19:54] Me: about bees?
[19:54] executive_1001: no fund
[19:54] executive_1001: in our bank
[19:55] executive_1001: i am a central bank governor
[19:55] Me: no interest. I live, eat, sleep and dream bees. Bees are my life. I love bees.
[19:55] executive_1001: here in nigeria
[19:55] Me: ok. well, I’m bored to tears now.
[19:55] Me: bye
[19:55] executive_1001: let me give you the solid information
[19:56] executive_1001: if you see it you will happy
[19:56] Me: I’m already happy
[19:56] Me: happy with my bees
[19:56] executive_1001: i no
[19:56] Me: no, you don’t know.
[19:56] Me: if you knew my deep love for bees, you’d never try to temp me with the evilness of money
[19:57] executive_1001: ok can give you the information here
[19:58] executive_1001: CENTRAL BANK OF Nigeria FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS From the Desk Of: Prof. Charles C.Soludo Executive Governor (CBN) C102_SOLUDO@YAHOO.COM CORPORATE OFFICE:GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS PLEASE I WANT YOU TO BE SINGLE MINDED AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIER ARE SOMY CRIMINAL OUT THEIR THAT DON’T HAVE A JOB LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY THEY WILL STILL FROM:OK,,,, ATTN: HONOURABLE CONTRACTOR. CENTRAL BANK OF Nigeria FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS From the Desk Of: Prof. Charles C.Soludo Executive Governor (CBN) C102_SOLUDO@YAHOO.COM CORPORATE OFFICE:GOVERNOR SQUARE LAGOS PLEASE I WANT YOU TO BE SINGLE MINDED AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIER ARE SO
[19:58] executive_1001: I AM PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO, THE GOVERNOR CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN). I AND THE CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER (CSO) OF OUR BANK, HAVE ARRANGED WITH AN OFFICER IN THE COMPUTER SECTION, ENGINEER, ISSA BELLO, TO BRING PART OF YOUR TOTAL CONTRACT SUM AMOUNTING TO US$60M (SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS ONLY). WHY WE DID THIS IS BECAUSE ACCORDING TO INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE BANKS COMPUTER, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG TIME TO RECEIVE YOUR CONTRACT PAYMENT WITHOUT SUCCESS. AS WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MATE
[19:58] Me: oh for the love of God. What is this stupid shit you are blabbering on and on about?
[19:59] executive_1001: AS WE FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MATE ALL THE STATUTORY REQUIREMENTS OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) IN RESPECT OF YOUR PAYMENT, YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT OF INTEREST GROUPS. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR PAYMENT AS SOME WERE PURPORTEDLY ACTING AS YOUR SISTER COMPANY AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE MERELY DOING PAPER WORKS WITH YOU AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU RECEIVE FAX AND PHONE MESSAGES FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN NIGERIA EVERYDAY
[19:59] executive_1001: MORE SO, WE FOUND OUT THAT SOME OF THE OFFICIALS OF THE PARASTATALS HAVE BEEN EXTORTING A LOT OF MONEY FROM YOU WITH THE PRETEXT OF HELPING YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY BUT ALL IS TO NO AVAIL. I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MAY LAST FOR YEARS YET NOTHING WILL HAPPEN, IF YOU DO NOT DO AWAY WITH THOSE OFFICERS THAT YOU CALL YOUR PARTNERS, AND FOR SECURITY REASONS DO NOT TELL ANYBODY UNTIL YOU RECEIVE CASH AT YOUR DOORSTEP.
[19:59] executive_1001: NOW THE MONEY IS IN TWO SECURITY PROOF BOXES WEIGHING 98KG EACH, THAT IS 196KG FOR THE TWO BOXES.YESTERDAY WE WENT TO FOUR COURIER COMPANIES TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS ON HOW TO SHIP THE TWO BOXES BY COURIER TO YOU. D.H.L., E.M.S., FEDEX., UPS. ALL COURIER COMPANIES IN NIGERIA WANTS TO OPEN THE BOXES FOR INSPECTION BEFORE SHIPMENT. THIS IS SOMETHING WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE .
[19:59] executive_1001: WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE . WE TOLD THE COURIER COMPANIES THAT THE BOXES CONTAINED FILM MATERIALS AND WHEN OPEN WILL CAUSE DAMAGE TO THE MATERIALS (SPOIL). WE DID NOT DECLARE MONEY BECAUSE COURIER SERVICES DO NOT CARRY PHYSICAL CASH. I WILL SEND TO YOU THE KEYS TO OPEN THE BOXES BOTH THE OUTER AND INNER SECURITY CODE LOCK THROUGH ANOTHER COURIER COMPANY, THIS IS TO AVOID ANY INSPECTION IN ANY OF TRANSIT AIRPORT.A DIPLOMAT FRIEND OF MINE DISCLOSED
[20:00] executive_1001: TO ME THAT THERE IS A COURIER COMPANY THAT USE TO SEND DIPLOMATIC MATERIALS AND INFORMATION FROM ONE COUNTRY TO ANOTHER. THE COURIER COMPANY HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY AND THEY ARE NOT CHECKED BY ANY CUSTOMS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. THE NAME OF THE COMPANY IS (NOBLE DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICES) .
[20:00] executive_1001: I WILL MEET THEM AS SOON AS I HAVE YOUR GO AHEAD ORDER. THE DIPLOMAT WILL HELP ME SECURE THE VITAL PAPERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEM. WE HAVE CONCLUDED THAT YOU MUST COMPENSATE US WHEN THE TRANSACTION IS CONCLUDED. TO THIS EFFECT, YOU WILL SEND TO US A PROMISSORY NOTE ALONG WITH YOUR PRIVATE ADDRESS AS TO WHERE YOU WILL RECEIVE THE BOXES IN A SAFE CONDITION. PLEASE MAINTAIN TOP SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF EYEBROW IF DISCOVERED THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU. (my bold — see my reference later)
[20:00] executive_1001: PLEASE MAINTAIN TOP SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF EYEBROW IF DISCOVERED THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU. DO NOT TELL ANY BODY ABOUT THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR MONEY. I WANT TO HELP YOU BECAUSE SOMETHING IN ME TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE A HONEST PERSON.
[20:01] executive_1001: THIS IS THE BEGENING OF SUCCESS, AND I ALSO LEARN THAT WHEN ONE TAKE AN ACTION IN THE DIRECTION OF IS GOALS HE MEET SUCCESS IN COMMON HOURS,,,,,,,,,,SO LET US DO THIS PROJECT WITH LOVE AND FAITH.
[20:01] executive_1001: THE PROBLEM NOW IS THAT CAN YOU HANDLE THIS LOVELY PROJECT THAT WANT TO TAKE PLACE Your urgent answer is needed.
[20:01] executive_1001: Yours In Service PROF. CHARLES C.SOLUDO. EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR. CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA(CBN NOTE;THIS IS THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CODE CBN/2134ABZ)Remember to give this code any time you call me because of impersonation. and do call me as soon as you get this message.
[20:02] executive_1001: dear i whant us to do this proposal with trust
[20:02] Me: hang on a minute. I have to go feed my dogs and pigs.
[20:02] executive_1001: ok
[20:02] executive_1001: where are you now
[20:03] Me: I took my blackberry out to the pig pen
[20:03] executive_1001: ok
[20:03] executive_1001: why do love animals
[20:03] executive_1001: dear
[20:03] Me: they give me eyebrow
[20:04] executive_1001: ok
[20:04] executive_1001: can i trust you
[20:04] executive_1001: in this proposal
[20:04] Me: hang on the bees got out!
[20:04] executive_1001: ok
[20:04] Me: ouch!
[20:05] Me: I got stung on my eyebrow
[20:06] executive_1001: sorry
[20:06] Me: it hurt and then I tripped over a pig
[20:06] executive_1001: what about the proposal
[20:06] Me: what was the proposal again? can you repeat it?
[20:06] executive_1001: pleace i want you to take acction in this proposal that want to take
[20:06] Me: ok. yeah.
[20:06] Me: sure
[20:06] executive_1001: i have sent it to you
[20:06] Me: sent it where?
[20:07] executive_1001: ok
[20:07] executive_1001: can i have your email address so that i can send it now
[20:07] executive_1001: dear
[20:07] Me: no
[20:07] executive_1001: why
[20:07] Me: because my email is broken
[20:08] executive_1001: what happen
[20:08] Me: it tripped over a pig
[20:08] executive_1001: ok
[20:08] executive_1001: i have send you the information
[20:08] executive_1001: didn’t you see it
[20:09] Me: wait a minute there are bees all over my head!
[20:09] *** executive_1001 has been ignored.
Session Close (executive_1001): Thu Aug 03 20:09:40 2006